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OK, "Contributing Writers", you don't like me and I don't like you. No big secret there. But I've been getting some major heat from Corporate lately, concerning our collective output. I try to keep it cordial around here, but I can't just turn my back and pretend I don't see you guys sitting around Illogical Contraption Branch HQ everyday, smoking cigarettes and playing Wii. It's time to fuckin' PUT IT IN GEAR. I'm burnt out, guys, and as I result I'm heading to Idaho to recharge the batteries for the next few days. While I'm gone, I expect at least one post from each of you, and excuses will not be tolerated. I've even got some suggestions to get you all moving in the right direction. Erik Del Tigre - Last post: "Spring Fever", April 25, 2009. Listen, Del Tigre: I know we bump heads more than anyone else around here, but I can't deny your sheer blogging skill. We go way back, as both teammates AND rivals, and I can't let your blessing go to waste like this. How 'bout a post about the cultural significance of the Leprechaun film series, or maybe a post on "Chooglin"?
K-Rock - Last post: "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza", March 24, 2009. I understand the pressure of being the only girl in the office, but that's no excuse for disappearing for the last 3 months. I also know that you're busy with Fast Forward Press, but you need to get your priorities straight. I recall something being said about some sort of "pornographic Smurf" post, but anything involving nudity and/or cartoons would be great. I've got to be careful what I say here (we all read the "sexual harassment" memo last week), but unless you produce something soon I'll be forced to punch you in the tit.
TMM - Last post: "A Little Bit More....", April 7, 2009. Goddammit, TMM. You bless us with an amazing little nugget like Mystifier, and then fall off the face of the map. What happened to Pavor? Cage? Why, TMM, WHY?!
The Heckler - Last post: "Beyond The Drummer For Def Leppard", May 16, 2009. Being the most shy and introverted member of the I.C. Writers Team has its perks, doesn't it, Heckler? No one notices when you haven't been pulling your weight, and everyone is constantly charmed by your cunning wit and rugged good looks. Wrong! I'm looking right at you, bro, and wondering whatever happened to that "Inverted Food Chain" piece that's been sitting, unpublished, in the I.C. Archives for the last month and a half. Hell, you can even use this video, if you want.
Ethanomicon - Last post: "Monsterlab", April 20, 2009. I know you're busy with Winsbyfilms, dude, and I can respect that. I've been to your studio several times and I know you're not slacking. But I hired you on as "resident filmmaker", and your fans are starving for a premiere. Robocop 5? Monsterlab: The Beginning? Anything?
Peter - Posts all the time. Fine job. Keep up the good work.
So that's it, team. I'll be back in 3 days. Heads down. Power through. It's your time to SHINE!
Below: THIS could be YOU!
That picture is priceless. Notice how the woman is in last place.
ReplyDeleteGive 'em an inch and they take a mile. Peter couldn't even phone one in for the Independence Day weekend. The terrorists have won. At least Heckler loves freedom.
ReplyDeleteNext company meeting should be a reenactment of The Untouchables dinner scene. Bash Tigre's head in with a baseball bat and the others will quickly fall into line. "A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? Individual achievement. But in the field what? Part of a team. Teamwork." Plenty of harumphing and hear hears will follow. Staff crisis averted, in box stuffed to the gills. K Rock giving the boss plenty of sexy time posted on pornhub under POV category. You'll give Tony Robbins motivational seminars and he will eat that shit up!