So here's the deal: Much like I did for my first experience with the 80's sci-fi slasher Future-Kill, I'll be reviewing Mega Shark LIVE, as it unfolds before my very eyes. I will hit the 'Publish' button as the credits roll. But first, a warning: This review will contain every spoiler in the book. Those of you as excited as I am about the release of this film (yes, both of you) might want to avert your eyes.
Beloved readers, please try to contain your excitement. Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is NOW entering my DVD player...
0:00:27 - Opening credits... Fingers trembling... Typing... Difficult...
0:01:21 - Special Effects by "Tiny Juggernaut". So far, so good.
0:02:45 - Poorly rendered images of a glacier collapsing, immediately followed by Debbie Gibson piloting a submarine (her fingernails are only painted one ONE HAND...?) and a shot of a bunch of hammerhead sharks. Epic.
0:04:02 - Cools shot of a seal freaking out.
0:05:43 - That helicopter pilot is rocking some super sweet Blu-Blockers.
0:07:15 - Whales committing suicide. Dang.
0:08:05 - THE OCTOPUS!!! FUCK!!! IT'S GIGANTIC!!!
0:08:42 - "Haven't you guys ever been to a frat party?"
0:08:13 - JESUS FUCK!!! THE OCTOPUS JUST ATE AN ENTIRE OIL RIG!!! Followed immediately by some boring stuff.
0:11:20 - Whale-related gore. Rotting flesh, etc...
0:12:05 - Apparently, Debbie is a bit of a "renegade".
0:13:20 - Yep, she's drinking whiskey with her Bro. definitely a "renegade".
0:15:22 - This stuff is boring and completely unnecessary. Yawn.
0:18:18 - DUDE!!! MEGA SHARK JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE FUCKING OCEAN AND ATE A FUCKING AIRPLANE!!! This movie is ALREADY worth TWICE the $5.46 I paid to rent it!0:20:20 - This dude's "Irish accent" needs work.
0:22:21 - "Say hello to Megalodon". Damn right.
0:24:10 - Establishing shot of "San Francisco International Airport". Palm trees and fluorescent paint job. That isn't actually SFO.
0:27:11 - This is pretty boring too. But in a good way.
0:28:08 - These shots of "the beach" in "San Francisco" look like they were shot in Mexico. Or maybe San Diego. This movie was not meant for locals.
0:29:50 - Mega Shark is totally about to eat a Navy battleship. This rules.
0:30:51 - "It rises".
0:31:26 - Movie cuts to another boring scene before Mega Shark attacks. WEAK.
0:32:18 - Bad news, guys. "Treasure Island" isn't actually Treasure Island. But Lorenzo Lamas finally showed up, so it's cool.
0:33:56 - Apparently, Lamas is somewhat of a "bad-ass".
0:36:04 - I think I just fell asleep for a second. You think maybe I could get a couple more scenes involving "Mega Sharks" and "Giant Octopi", Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus?
0:38:30 - Debbie Gibson is TOTALLY going to bone it to that creepy Japanese scientist. Ewwww.
0:40:30 - Jesus, they didn't waste any time. Debbie just boned it to the Japanese guy in a closet. What a slut. At least that annoying "sexual tension" subplot (established two minutes ago) is FINALLY out of the way.
0:43:24 - Debbie and the creepy scientist bid each other a heartfelt farewell. How touching. Hopefully this movie won't contain any more "sex".
0:44:45 - Oh shit, this fighter jet is gonna get eaten.
0:45:28 - Nope. My bad. It got slapped and blown up by a Giant Octopus tentacle. Nice.
0:48:48 - I'm pretty sure the "Irish" guy's accent is completely gone at this point. Which is an improvement.
0:51:52 - Awww shit. Mega Shark is about to fuck some shit up...
0:53:02 - Lamas: "Screw these environmentalists! When I give the command, shoot to KILL!"
Right: This is NOT an image from Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. It's still pretty cool, though.
0:54:00 - Best bad-CGI shark graphics I'VE EVER SEEN.
0:55:21 - Mega Shark attacks battleship. Hella death and carnage.
0:55:55 - THE MONEY SHOT. Mega Shark just ate the Golden Gate Bridge.
0:57:04 - Just cracked my fifth tall boy of Miller High Life. Beginning to think that maybe I should have eaten something today.
1:00:00 - Hey, maybe we can get Mega Shark to fight Giant Octopus! That's right, it took a FULL HOUR and a whole team of movie scientists to figure that one out. Bravo.
1:03:10 - Maybe I should start some laundry...
1:04:57 - So far, this movies has had maybe 45 seconds, TOTAL, shark/octopus footage. And about 45 MINUTES of Debbie Gibson footage. Maybe they should have called it Washed-Up 80's Pop Star Vs. Japanese Scientist In A Broom Closet instead.
1:08:00 - Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus has OFFICIALLY put my roommate to sleep.
1:08:58 - Submarines vs. Mega Shark AND Giant Octopus. That's better.
1:10:01 - Never have the words "Captain! Octopus approaching!" been spoken so convincingly.
1:13:07 - Don't get me wrong. Shark Hunter was the most boring giant shark movie ever made. But I'm beginning to think that Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is a close second.
1:15:06 - FINALLY. Shark vs. Octopus! Let's do this!
1:15:55 - Never mind.
1:16:50 - In case you were wondering, the crew aboard Japanese submarines ALWAYS talk to each other in crisp, accent-free English.
1:19:50ish - Mega Shark eats a submarine. As retaliation, Giant Octopus ALMOST busts up a submarine, too.
1:21:16 - Okay, these fuckers are finally going at it again...
1:22:11 - What the fuck?!? Is that it? Giant octopus wrapped around Mega Shark, and they both slowly sunk to the bottom of the ocean. No winner established. No gore. No nothing.
1:24:30 - END CREDITS?!?
The verdict:
That shit was weak. Despite a couple cool scenes (which were shown in their entirety in the trailer), this movie was really slow, really boring, and more than a little creepy (NOT in a good way). And the song playing over the end credits is the worst thing I've ever heard. I have to assume it's Ms. Gibson herself. What a disappointment.
Now I've gotta go watch Future-Kill again to get my mojo back.
If the present day me had access to a time machine and I visited the 16 year old me, I imagine I would use this movie as an example of how awesome and advanced the future is. I see myself saying something like "There will be a film (not a movie) with Debbie Gibson (who will be called Deborah in the future) and Lorenzo Lamas (who will be called the guy who used to be on Renegade) AND a mega shark AND a giant octopus." And I see my 16 year old self being like "Whatever" and then smoking more ratweed and listening to The Cult's "Electric" again even though it is a shitty album. We've come along way baby, this is almost enough to make me forget I live in a state that has become far more bigoted and backward than Iowa.
ReplyDeleteHey old man! Your getting senile! I was supposed to be apart of this! Im crushed!
ReplyDeleteAn open ending like that can only mean M.S. v. G.O. II in the very near future. Were I Branscombe Richmond I'd have a very heated conversation with Lamas. He (B.R.)was clearly the main attraction in Renegade and Lamas couldn't throw him a bone on this project?
ReplyDeleteGreat review though. Pay attention Ebert. THIS is how you break down a movie!
First off, Peter:
ReplyDeleteYes, I totally suck and that was not very Bro of me at all. Didn't pop the movie in until after 11, and by the time I did, I realized that I had to face it ALONE. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back when Luke is on Degobah, and he goes into that cave and hallucinates Darth Vader, and he cuts Vader's head off, but then his mask cracks and Luke is looking into his OWN FACE? That's pretty much what my Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus experience was like.
I apologize and admit to being a little senile.
You really didn't miss much, though.
Aesop: Does it strike you as a tad Orwellian that people like Whitney/Bobby are allowed to marry AND reproduce and that people are encouraged to "find love" and get married through reality TV shows, while a couple of Buddies who totally have their shit together CAN'T? Whatever, preaching to the choir...
Anon: Giant Octopus Vs. Snakes On A Plane starring Branscombe Richmond as a grizzled old biker shaman and Corey Feldman as a wise-cracking FBI agent.
Money. In. The. Bank.
I hear ye, California has slipped behind Iowa as one of the coolest states in this country. It's the new Jim Crow paid for and pushed by the American Taliban. Ihave been following the argument on SF county's facebook and supporters of Prop 8 seem to only reiterate the same lame arguments:
ReplyDeletea) Why does it have to be called marriage? (semantics)
b) The people voted for it so it must be right. (The same argument used to uphold segregation)
and my favorite:
c) It's against god's law (American Taliban)
Now if the mega churches want to support political initiatives, shouldn't they pay taxes? And if marriage is such a holy institution that needs to be protected shouldn't hetero divorce also be illegal?