Tuesday, June 21, 2011

SUMMER NON-MIXTAPE 2011: The Best of The Worst

AKA When Your Favorite Metal Bands Shit The Bed

First day of Summer. You know what that means...
You got it: ILLCON MIXTAPE TIME!

It's miserably hot here in the Bay. So miserable, in fact, that I've been suddenly filled with the urge to punish myself with the worst metal humanly possible. Inspired by the recent shark-jumping of Vincent, Azagthoth, and company, I've decided that today's compilation will focus on the collective low points of certain common favorites in the "extreme metal" community--from the Big 4, Sabbath, and Motorhead, to some slightly more obscure death metal luminaries of the recent past. Exactly why I've chosen to explore the shared failure and shame of these beloved rock icons I can't really say... I guess now is just a time of extreme masochism and darkness for me, and the only way to express my angst is through bad art. Take THAT, Teenage Cobras!
As always, your recommendations for other shameful chapters in the lives of our heroes are welcome--share them in the comments section!

1. SLAYER - Born To Be Wild (from the amazing album NASCAR on Fox Presents: Crank It Up)
2. METALLICA w/ DJ SPOOKY - For Whom The Bell Tolls (The Irony of It All)
3. MANOWAR - Silent Night
4. AMON AMARTH - Aerials
5. MORBID ANGEL - Radikult
6. CELTIC FROST - I Won't Dance
7. NAPALM DEATH - Twist The Knife (Slowly) (Not even really that bad of a song--but the fact that it appears on the Mortal Kombat OST warrants its inclusion here.)
8. JUDAS PRIEST - Turbo Lover (Included for bad 80's drum-reverb abuse only.)
9. SLAYER & ICE T - Disorder
10. BLACK SABBATH - It's Alright
11. CRYPTOPSY - Bemoan The Martyr
12. MEGADETH - Youthanasia
13. MOTORHEAD - Enter Sandman (Fuck Metallica) (from the amazing album ECW: Extreme Music--a pro wrestling based hard rock compilation)
14. ANTHRAX - Random Acts of Senseless Violence
15. CARCASS - I Told You So (Corporate Rock Really Does Suck)
16. SOULFLY - Jumpdafuckup (I've never been a fan of Soulfly, but I have been a fan of Max Cavalera. And this song is just tooo good.)
17. METALLICA - Turn The Page
18. SLAYER - Playing With Dolls (completion of today's Slayer triumverate)

dl: LIVIN' HARDCORE RADICAL

Really?
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28 comments:

  1. AegipanJune 21, 2011 at 6:19 PM

    Slayer covered "Born To Be Wild"?? Were they high? I think I have lost almost all respect I had left for them. The collaboration with Ice-T was/is bad enough... Shit.

    I agree with you on every account though, especially with Morbid Angel and Cryptopsy. The Metallica tracks you posted speak for themselves I think.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Roger CamdenJune 21, 2011 at 6:56 PM

    Slayer also covered Inna Gadda Da Vida for the Less Than Zero soundtrack

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shelby CobrasJune 21, 2011 at 7:15 PM

    Picking bad Metallica songs is like fishing for turds in an open sewer, but somehow, I think Slayer might have dipped even lower, and more often....?

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJune 21, 2011 at 9:50 PM

    >>Slayer might have dipped even lower, and more often....?<<

    Come on. Really?!? Everything from "And Justice For All..." *on*.

    Furthermore, live Slayer NOW vs. live Craptallica NOW? NO CONTEST.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Shelby CobrasJune 21, 2011 at 9:54 PM

    It's a dead heat in my mind, man. I would've defended Slayer to the death 5 or 6 years ago, but man, the more I put their career under the microscope, the more glaring travesties I find. They've been utter shit for just as long as Metallica have. Think about it.

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  6. NekromantisJune 21, 2011 at 11:31 PM

    When I was younger and going through glam/hardrock phase I digged Slayer's Born To Be Wild. Now I'm afraid to even give it a listen.

    ReplyDelete
  7. ZeroJune 22, 2011 at 4:23 AM

    Thinking positive, I see.

    It could be worth mentioning some of the newer stuff from the Dutch Martyr. While I don't think that their earlier works were brilliant per se, some do, and in any case they certainly haven't improved.

    ReplyDelete
  8. MaxJune 22, 2011 at 4:37 AM

    God, "For Whom the Bell Tolls" is a fucking low point for DJ Spooky too.

    Has there ever been an electronica/metal crossover that really worked? Sometimes I half imagine that dub/dubstep + doom could work (think of some of the slower Painkiller tracks).

    ReplyDelete
  9. MelanieJune 22, 2011 at 5:24 AM

    This is !00% on topic but, it's got to count for bed shitting

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxO6h-EhLHE&feature=related

    ReplyDelete
  10. HelmJune 22, 2011 at 5:26 AM

    Holy hell, there's no way I'd voluntarily listen to this. So much condensed wrong.

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  11. The Thing That Should Not BeJune 22, 2011 at 6:02 AM

    Is anyone actually downloading this? Seriously?

    Everything after 'South of Heaven' is indefensible. Same goes for '...And Justice For All' and 'So Far So Good So What' and 'Among The Living'. So much for the 'Big 4'.

    Oh, and you could have just put the entire 'Judgement Night ' OST on here, maybe minus the FNM/Boo_Yaa tribe track.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Mister BoozeJune 22, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    Motorhead - Stand by your man

    Sacred Reich - 31 flavors

    Man there has to be and Iron Maiden song to add to this mix...Send your daughter to the slaughter?

    ReplyDelete
  13. MordentsJune 22, 2011 at 11:50 AM

    I would venture to add Jeff Walker's, Welcome to Carcass Cuntry to this list. This would be his remake album of country songs. Holy crap it's worth of barrel of laughs. I recommend his take on Johnny Cash Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down. TRULY UNBELIEVABLE.

    ReplyDelete
  14. MordentsJune 22, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Great Best of the Worst, BTW. This is the cure for the Blues.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The Thing That Should Not BeJune 22, 2011 at 3:18 PM

    Ohhh maaaan, Mordents, I ran into Jeff at a Mighty Boosh show just after the 'Karkass Kuntry' album came out, he was fairly embittered about how it came out - it wasn't supposed to be a 'joke' album, but no-one involved would take it seriously. Jeff was NOT a happy bunny.

    ReplyDelete
  16. ReallyGood@WoundingJune 22, 2011 at 3:24 PM

    @The Thing That Should Not Be: I agree with your assessment of the Big 4, with a single exception, I would stop at Anthrax's Fistful of Metal.
    Shelby could add Coroner's Purple Haze cover. Yech.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousJune 22, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    Re: "Turbo Lover". Many years ago, back when that album came out, I was out cruising around with some people and we stopped at this dude's house to pick him up. After he didn't respond to the car horn, this girl and I got out and went to his door. We could hear this song blasting so, after he didn't answer, we went around to the side of his house to knock on his window. We look through the window and I swear to God this guy was on his bed, totally naked, jerking off furiously to this song. To this day he's known as "Turbo Tommy".

    ReplyDelete
  18. GeoffreyJune 22, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    Anything off Black Sabbath Born Again!!!! So bad it rules.

    ReplyDelete
  19. CoryJune 22, 2011 at 11:11 PM

    Ahem:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkJEvpwDBXY

    ReplyDelete
  20. NekromantisJune 23, 2011 at 1:22 AM

    Geoffrey, are you on crack? It might not be the best Black Sabbath album but sure few songs are genuinely good!

    ReplyDelete
  21. GeoffreyJune 23, 2011 at 1:40 AM

    yeah i started thinking about it...probably not the most craptastic album out there but I was thinking about that song "trashed" and how funny it is to me. Not a bad song, just kind of quirky. No offense to Born Again fans out there. Please don't kick my ass in a bar if you ever see me.

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  22. HelmJune 23, 2011 at 5:10 AM

    There's "Disturbing the Priest" in there, man.

    ReplyDelete
  23. gooniestormJune 23, 2011 at 4:08 PM

    so i'll admit that while i was intrigued by this post, as i tend to enjoy bad music, i didn't want to run the risk of any of this crap popping up when i put my itunes on shuffle so i searched youtube for some samples. this is a very dark road you have sent me down, cobras... WHAT IS THIS? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOibtqWo6z4.... WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
    and the jeff walker "cuntry" album mentioned in an earlier comment...(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McWJNXZfp1s&feature=related)... wow. just wow. how the fuck did that monstrosity get made? who thought that was a good idea?

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  24. Shelby CobrasJune 23, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    The worst part of that Metallica video: "32,512 likes, 830 dislikes"

    ReplyDelete
  25. NekromantisJune 24, 2011 at 2:19 AM

    You say Justin Bieber, I say Metallica.

    ReplyDelete
  26. ReginaldJune 24, 2011 at 2:22 AM

    Some people wouldn't know good music if it viciously penetrated them without lubrication, man. Squares, man. Anyway, yeah, I listed through Carcass Cuntry fith Jeff Walker Und Die Fluffers, man, I can't believe Walker was actually serious about that record.

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  27. Alex_PJune 25, 2011 at 9:37 PM

    You know what's conspicuously absent from this comp? Anything off of Sadus' "Out for Blood". It might not be the worst comeback in history, but it's the worst I've ever heard. An entire album made for the WWE.

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  28. robitussonJuly 23, 2011 at 11:29 AM

    Man, "I won't dance" is a bona fide, irony-free, Frost CLASSIC.

    ReplyDelete