Illogical Contraption

OMG STATUS UPDATE!

2012-01-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Above: Shelby Cobras lives! Self-portrait shot 1/27/2012

Fuck, dudes!
First off, my apologies for all but abandoning my loyal public lo these past few weeks. Things have been more than a bit chaotic around Casa Cobras for a bit, and between Apocryphon shows, work, life drama, the podcast, and the unfortunate demise of Megaupload (with it 75% of the content uploaded to IC in the last 3 years), I just couldn't bring myself to face you all until I had my shit back together. Which I do now. Really. Don't mind the twitch.
Anyhow, I don't have anything ground-breaking or spectacular to drop on you guys today, just a quick how's-your-father to let you know that you still give me warm fuzzies in my man-parts. Also, a couple quick bullet points:

First off, Illogical Contraption Radio has been a fucking BLAST lately, especially last week's interview with David Liebe Hart (right), celebrated songsmith of Tim & Eric fame. Go listen to that if you haven't already, then stick around until 10pm PST tonight, when we'll be going live again. Wanna call us? Sweet! The number is (415) 829-2980, and we look forward to verbally destroying you with our far-superior vernacular and brain functions.
COME AT US, BROS.

(PS: The added bummer of the Megaupload shutdown is that several episodes of IC Radio, which never made it to iTunes, were stored therein, hence rendering them extinct to the ages. I've re-upped the surviving episodes to Mediafire as of today, but seeing as that particular file host will most likely be shut down within the week as well, I suggest you just man up and subscribe via iTunes.)

Who do we have on tonight's show, you ask?
What a wonderful question! Why, it's none other than the amazing FREEMAN, who blew our minds with tales of attempted murder by the Grateful Dead, the Friendship Bus, and CIA mind control via symbolism way back in Episode 7! I think it's safe to say that Freeman was one of the most enjoyable guests we've ever had on the show, and tonight's freak-out should be extra loopy, as our pet subject will be DISNEY AND BRAIN-WASHING. Dang.

ALSO. Apocryphon has a bunch of shows coming up (last weekend's shred-fest with HAZZARD'S CURE and Seattle's CRAWLIN' was the very definition of EPIC), so if you're in or around the Bay Area in February, come out and kick it with us. There's this:

Sunday Feb. 5 at Sub-Mission with PLAGUE WIDOW (they RULE), OLD CROW, YOUR ENEMY, HUMAN WASTE, and PILLAGER (just added)

Oh, and Dalton has a show at an art gallery with Street Justice on the 16th, then Apocryphon has another show at Eli's Mile High in Oakland with Worm Ouroboros, Bell Witch, Alaric, and Sutekh Hexen on the 24th. And let's not forget about the upcoming four-way split we're working on! I'd like to tell you more, but instead, I'm just going to post the best video ever uploaded to YouTube ten times in a row. If you play all of them simultaneously, you will achieve utter enlightenment and leave the plane of human material existence altogether. Enjoy:

HANG IN THERE, BROS!

Pagan Altar - Volume 1 (1982)

2012-01-26T17:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not entirely sure what to put here to be honest. This band simply rules. Pure, plain, and simple and if you think otherwise, I'm not sure what to tell you other than: "...that's a bloody shame!" As I sit here typing in between my Ecology class and Senior capstone class, I am actually wearing a Pagan Altar shirt. Yep, you heard me correct! I'm THAT much of a fan...

Normally I'd discuss the band in more depth, and I'd probably would disclose more detail on my introduction and experience with the band, but seeing as I only have a few spare minutes to type said post, and furthermore I still have yet to run to the restroom, then eat, and prepare for my next class of course - not to mention get to the damned class on time - I'm going to leave you with this:

This band rules. Period. This release, titled Volume 1, was Pagan Altar's first full length and recorded in 1982 but was not officially released until 1998. If you're a fan of doom metal, and further NWOBHM, you cannot go wrong with this release. Fans of Black Sabbath, Witchcraft, Candlemass, Angel Witch and Pentagram look no further!
This is truly a great listen and is recommended to all who are into heavy metal, doom, and rock. Again, this band rules.

Get it Here, Here,
or Here

Metallum / Last.FM

Official Website

Frippin' Out Part 1 - Before Crimson

2012-01-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post contains no metal and barely any prog.

Another Warning: I HATE whimsical boopty doopty Black Adder-Downton Abbey-Harry Potter British school boy BULLSHIT but this shit fuckin' rules.

It would be pretty lame to make a King Crimson megapost on Ill Con, especially in light of their recent battles with Spotify. Every dork on the internet knows and loves KC. You would be hard pressed to find a techy guitar player that doesn't worship Red and I know I've fallen into a YouTube rabbit hole or 3 watching old Crimson footage. So hey let's not be lame, let's be awesome and post these pre-Crimson all-killer-no-filler little known recordings by one of the greatest psychedelic rock outfits ever: Giles, Giles and Fripp.

Their first and only release, 1968's "The Cheerful Insanity Of..." is exactly that. Totally drugged out, blissful, trippy and silly. A bit Bonzo Dog Band, a little Beach Boys, A LOT of Monty Python, all Fripp'd out with his jazzy shreds all over. Just a complete awesome (non-brutal) listen.

here

I'm not going to get into a whole bio and life story on these guys because British people are hella boring. Basically these two bros (actual brothers) wrote a buncha songs and needed a singer and keyboard player. They took out an ad and this awesome guitar player that couldn't sing answered instead. They let him live with them and proceeded to produce a ton of home demos. Their demos kicked so much ass that they got a record deal and put out that thing I just posted up there ^^. These demos circulated in the underground prog dork circles for years and now I present to you THE BRONDESBURY TAPES for your listening pleasure. I like these a lot. Better than the actual album.

here

These songs are pretty much the polar opposite of the cold, bleak paranoia one feels when listening to early KC. Some say this has a lot to do with the poor reception/sales of "The Cheerful Insanity Of..." Fripp was essentially beaten down by the music industry his first go 'round. A lot of that negative energy was channeled into his new band a year later and is one of the reasons those first albums are so fucking magical.

Next time: PART 2 - After Crimson! The NYC Trilogy and lots of cocaine with Eno and Bowie!

HELLCRAWLER - Wastelands (2011)

2012-01-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

How about some crusty, Slovakian, old-school death metal all about apocalyptic warriors and nuclear wars?

I discovered these guys on one of those late night cruises around Bandcamp we all undertake when bored. Wade through numerous shitty bands before finding some gold. Its not quite polished gold yet in Hellcrawler's case but its nearly their. Ignore a few generic drops in riffing and they prove themselves pretty adapt at synthesising Motorhead, Entombed and Autopsy into big, nasty d-beat tunes with sludge overtones. They seem pretty into apocalyptic fiction due to the numerous samples from Mad Max and The Roadwarrior, another reason Illcon followers should dig it.

GET IT

Bandcamp

Don't go watching any of the videos of these boys on Youtube if you don't want the apocalyptic vision ruined. They don't look like crazed, bearded bikers, just some normal metal dudes.

WINTER NON-MIXTAPE 2011 (A Month Late, Sorry)

2012-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Dang. It seems that while we were all cheerleading for the defeat of SOPA and patting each other on the virtual back, somebody snuck in and shut down Megaupload. Bummer. As we bid our old friend MU adieu (and with it, about 75% of the music on this site), we must remain calm and determined in the face of adversity--for there are vast, terrible things still upon the horizon, and our only weapon against the forces of greed and evil is our unity. Stay strong, O my internet brothers and sisters. Stay strong. (PS I don't plan on going back and replacing every single missing Megaupload link, but I'll re-up files on request if you guys ask me nicely.)

Speaking of staying strong, I assume most of you are abreast of recent happenings over at our long-lost twin blog The Living Doorway (we must share at least, like, 90% readership, right?), namely Brother JGD's introduction of the TLD Fit Club, a forum for fat Hessians to talk about (and act on) getting skinny and healthy. As JGD and I share a brain, it comes as no surprise that I am fully on board with the Fit Club, and had actually already undertaken the monumental task, lo these past few weeks/months, of shedding my massive suds-gut, eating right, running, lifting, exercising, etc etc etc. That's right, folks: you can kiss Cobras' fat ass goodbye, and enjoy a much longer, sexier, and more sensual kiss with my brand new, toned, skinny ass. Pucker up.
But enough about my rippling torso and rock hard pecs. I was thinking about things a little, and realized that, via the weird psychic connection between JGD and myself, I'm probably more responsible for the TLD Fit Club than he is. I mean, we do share a brain. We like all the same shitty wigger slam and proto-death. We both buy stupid Santa hats to put on our cats at Christmastime (pictures available on request). Doesn't that basically qualify me as CO-OWNER of the Fit Club, if not outright CEO? I think it does, and as such, I've put together a little treat for all you pasty slobs looking to get blasted in 2012. It's been done before (by Sergeant D, I think), and by God it'll be done again, but I made a sick workout mix for you guys as an entry for the (month late, sorry) Don't Call It A Mixtape series, to guide you on your path to utter washboardism. Behold:

Today's delayed mix comes in two hour-long volumes, and basically serve as a Greatest Hits collection from the Cobras DM pantheon. I know when I'm blasting through my fiftieth set of inverted lat-curls, I need some super-crunchy, nad-pumping death metal spewing into my earholes, not too tech-y, too slow, or too slammy (although slam is often cited as a worthy workout companion--rightfully so). So that's what we've got here. Two rock-solid hours of cardio-friendly grind, spanning the entire twenty-plus year existence of the genre we all love so much.

Use this mix wisely, and you will reap the benefits for years to come. I'd like to ~~thank JGD for introducing the concept of Fit Club~~ invite JGD to join in on MY new Fit Club idea, as well as extend the invitation to all you sad, pathetic, fat fat fatties out there too. Let's get ripped.
Speaking of JGD, can you guys believe the crappy graphics he puts together over there on The Living Doorway (right)?
Seriously? MS Paint? You're better than that, Bro.

COME AT ME BRO (Part 1)

61:05, 103.4 MB

DOWNLOAD

COME AT ME BRO (Part 2)

60:46, 97.1 MB

DOWNLOAD

Pictured left to right: Cobras, Swayze, JGD.

Trou Noir - Echoes in Black Holes (2011)

2012-01-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

When I finally got around to compiling my favorite records of 2011, I couldn't believe what I picked as my number 1. But it was undisputed. Didn't I eventually love every second of 777 Sects? Didn't my eyes fly out of my skull when I cranked Entity? Didn't Immolation's corporate-sponsored riff fest satisfy my secret guitar-squealing fantasies? I thought Ruin Lust blew my mind when I saw them play some ratty basement in the suburbs of New Jersey? WHAT ABOUT ASH BORER, MAN?

Nope, none of these beat out a record that exuded so much undeniable charm and misanthropic enthusiasm that I forgave almost unlistenable production. The volume on each track varies. There is zero bass. The vocals are crackly and indecipherable. The drums make no sense. It sounds so freaking kvlt! I thought I found that off-putting?

So why did Trou Noir's Echoes in Black Holes trump every other record 2011 had to offer?

Let's start with my personal highlight of the album:

Atmospheric, check. Peaceful, somehow. Menacing, a little. And cool riffage, bros.

But what gets me every time is the goddamn drummer. What the fuck is your deal, Worbid? Your timing is off and you sound like you've never listened to anyone, ever, in any genre, play any drum set. YOU ARE BREAKING ALL THE RULES, MAN! You can't just hit the crash cymbal and nothing else for 4 bars straight! You can't just fall on the double bass during a guitar interlude! You can't just hit those toms anytime you damn well feel like it! WHO SAID YOU COULD HIT THE TOM AND CRASH AT THE SAME TIME LIKE THAT? Where is the structure? Where are the familiar hand holds like blast beats and a STEADY BEAT ON THE HI HAT, is that too much to ask, Worbid?

And that's exactly why I find this record so charming. They inspire question after question. After countless listens I'm still interested. They are inadvertently breaking all the rules and they're doing it so compellingly and authentically that I have absolutely nothing but reverence for this 30 minute deluge of childlike exploration. Do I hear myself? This is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking about a black metal album this way. I should be ashamed of myself. I'm going to put Entity back on.

In the meantime, enjoy the most straightforwardly unusual black metal record of 2011. Crank it, but not too loud cuz the next track might just be 10 times louder than the last.

Download

Metallum / Last.fm

KALIBAS - PRODUCT OF HARD LIVING (2002)

2012-01-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

Credit to former Cretaceous/current Apocryphon bassist Jumanji for suggesting Rochester, NY's KALIBAS to me recently--dude is a Bro amongst Bros despite his misguided Republican ideals, and beyond the sick grindcore recommends he even stooped to being my stand-in date for a Devo concert at the Fillmore this Saturday past. What a dude.
Anyhow, Kalibas' ultra-chaotic brand of spazzy, sample-laden death fits in nicely with the ol' IllCon Value System, although it's their dirty-basement-dwelling, semi-DIY aesthetic that really sets them apart from the camo-shortsed pack of hyper-riffadelic Suffo-clones out there. This is DM with a big old set of nasty, hairy balls--crunchy as fuck and miles from the sterile, studio-perfect tech that we've all learned to settle for a decade later. Apparently, they broke up shortly after the release of this album, but realized the folly of their ways and re-formed in 2007, enjoying a second life that brought us the epic Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Barely Exaggerated in 2011. I recommend checking it out, along with the smattering of other demos and splits these Sasqautchian Malmsteenites have produced over the years.

They're no Devo, but they'll do for a lazy Monday afternoon.
Your face = melted.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

ALSO:

Episode 18 of Illogical Contraption Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE.

Get lost in labyrinthine conspiracies about Kubrick’s The Shining with a cavalcade of goofy guests: our old pal Dr. Franklin Ruehl, drag goddess Peaches Christ, filmmaker Rodney Ascher, and Excepter’s John Fell Ryan. A stunningly redundant journey through the mind of Hollywood’s most brilliant hack, with heavy metal and drunken stupidity to spare.
GET ON IT!

Canada is Just Plain Better at Music

2012-01-16T10:31:00.000-08:00

It wasn’t until I started doing research for this article that I discovered how important the 1990’s were for Canadian music. During that glorious decade Canadians were producing some of the finest examples of contemporary soundings. While us U.S.ers were certainly churning out the hits, Canadians weren’t content merely to do the same thing well; they wanted to do it beauty. Canada took it from mere musicianship to pure artistry, honing each style into its philosophical essence as if distilling from an undisclosed variety of average grains only the finest of whiskys. Who can forget the saucy rock baladeering of Bryan Adams, who although he had a number of hits in the 80’s, managed Jesuslike to pinch off a second Billboard No. 1 hit in the early 90’s. It’s as if NAFTA resurrected his rock. There was of course also the reformulation of feminism into mass marketability which can be attributed at least in part to Canadian Sarah McLachlan, the songstress who stormed the adult contemporary field in 1993, taking her sweet grrl time to found Lilith Fair four years later. And then of course was perhaps the brightest of Canada's stars, North York native Snow who simultaneously pushed two genres, rap and reggae’ into previously uncharted territory and was also justly rewarded with a Recording Industry Association of Japan Best New Artist Award. The list goes on, but I think I’ve made my point. Texas may think they’re not to be messed with, but actions speak louder than words my friends, and Canada doesn’t answer to anybody, they already are their own country.

Still, there was one genre of music that dominated them all to define the 90’s.In the United States a lot of people, at least in my generation, look back at the Clinton Era with a sense of shame or bemusement. Sure, we wore a lot of stupid clothes and listened to a lot of shitty music, but hey, at the time it was all optimism and progress right? For the first time in 12 years we had a president that actually seemed like he might be a genuine bro. Well anyway, he knew how to burn one and liked to jam. Economically we were more prosperous than any time in the last two decades and it looked like an awesome future was literally right at our fingertips. Leave it to white people to be all depressed and despondent when they have it so good. And yes, the Canadians once again showed us how it was really done. No I’m not talking about Saints and Sinners because nobody was listening to metal in the 90’s. I’m talking about the band that boiled the Grungy slacker essence of poor-little-rich-boy Anglo-Saxon misanthropy into a potent sauce of pure despondency. I’m talking about Grivo.

Formed in Toronto in late 1995, Grivo came on the Grunge scene pretty late, but man they were fucking apathetic. Taking their name from front man and vocalist Dan Grivo, the band featured former members of a number of unremarkable Canadian alt-rock bands, but the new combination was magical.Unfortunately, as we know from far too much experience, a star that burns fifteen times as bright burns only 6.66 percent as long, and Grivo was no different.

Although the band had yet to record an album, by the following year they were already well known outside of their home country as one of the most nonplussed bands of the decade. It would be hard for me to describe it better than Wikipedia, so I won’t: Grivo became phenomenally “famous for their bleak lyrics, as well as a general indifference toward their audience, fame, and music.” Although rumor had it the band might be working somewhat half-assedly on some recordings, nothing ever materialized and it seemed that Grivo had all but disappeared and left virtually no record of their passing except for fragments of a single live performance in early '96.

Suddenly, as that same year was drawing to a close, Dan Grivo himself reappeared backed with an entirely new lineup. Making their debut on MTV, their very first music video went on to win the Best New Video in the Jangly Upbeat Pop category for that year. And for a second time in less than 2 years, Grivo again proved that lightning strikes lots of times in Canada. They just does things better than we do up there.

Thanks to TooYube user Badjackcutter for the rare archival footage.

Suppression/Grief - Split EP (1995)

2012-01-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Growing up in a relatively small, somewhat culturally isolated city tucked away in the recesses of the Blue Ridge Mountains, punk rock came as a fucking godsend. I'll spare the whole getting-into-the-music story that's been done to death, but suffice to say it made an impression. However, while it tapped into a lot of feelings I had previously no understanding of how to articulate, most of what I could find out about the music in those days before the internet was the ubiquitous force it is today seemed to indicate that it had ended around the time Sid Vicious died, or in the case of hardcore, around the time the Bad Brains broke up the first time around and all the New York bands went metal. Coverage was scanty, so I took what I could get. I discovered Heartattack and more contemporary bands – His Hero Is Gone, Gehenna, Rorschach, etc. - not long afterwards, but it still seemed like something that happened a million miles away.

But I would search out what I could, often spending my limited early teenage income on whatever records looked cool. Not a great formula for finding killer music, but in one notable case it provided more than a little blowing of the ol' mind. It was such a small thing, something that would've been so easy to overlook, a split 7” with a flimsy green cover with some photos of dudes playing and destroying instruments on one side and some shit on the other that looked like it could've come from some high school stoner's art project. And it was a dollar. So I took my chances.

And one side was good. A band from Massachusetts called Grief. I'd heard some slower heavy music before – Melvins, Sabbath, etc. - but Grief took it all and injected some serious psychotic depressing vibes to it. I enjoyed it (if “enjoy” is the right word for something so nihilistic), gave it a few listens and flipped it over. The other band, Suppression, simply fucking destroyed. I'd heard some grindy shit before, had my mind similarly blown by Napalm Death not much earlier, but Suppression was next level. It was a feral blur, sheets of sound draped over blastbeats with harsh noise textures clawing their way through.

I didn't really know much about this sort of thing. I had no real exposure to noise beyond my dad's Sun Ra albums. I had no idea that there was this genre of lurching start/stop noise called power violence and that Suppression was one of the most vicious yet interesting examples of the style. And until finding that record, I had no idea that they (or anybody with ideas so extreme) were operating in the same small, punk rock-deprived city that I lived in. And that was the other facet to how mind-blowing Suppression was. Their music was – and remains – fucking killer. But that such a band could pop up in the same boring, backwater town in which I felt so isolated was an amazing feeling. It brought the world closer to home and provided an example of how great things can be made out of mediocre surroundings.

I managed to get most of Suppression's releases over the years and the majority of it is spectacular. It's like if Man Is The Bastard kept the noise parts, but instead of wandering off into the more technical instrumental parts, they opted for the blunt ferocity of Crossed Out or No Comment. Even after power violence turned into a higher-profile subgenre in recent years, with hordes of shitty youth crew bands throwing in a few blast beats and thinking that turns them into the next Infest, Suppression's music remains as bracing and compelling as when it was released.

During the late '90s, the band moved more into noise/ power electronics material and for several years their only performances and releases saw the band indulging their most dissonant impulses. It was interesting to watch – I recall one show where the band attached amplified contact microphones to bibles and beat them to shreds with dildos – but not always easy to sit down and listen to. In more recent years, the band has operated as a bass-and-drums duo, working in a vein that's somewhere between Ruins and early Butthole Surfers – frantic, obnoxious (in a good way) noise rock (sample song title: "Well Hung Toddler") that surprisingly doesn't stand in too stark contrast when the band breaks out some of their old power violence material, as they've thankfully been doing recently.

Bassist/singer Jason Hodges (the only consistent member of Suppression) runs an excellent label called CNP Records, which put out a compilation of all the Suppression material from their early years that's definitely well worth picking up. But as a bit of a taste of the mayhem inside, the band's split with Grief, the sort of new lenses that helped my younger self view the world differently, can be acquired below.

When caged like animals, we will act accordingly.

Karma To Burn - Almost Heathen

2012-01-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

Words cannot begin to describe how much I uphold this album! It simply rocks! I recently found it on vinyl at a record store here in my hometown. I remember getting a copy of this album when I did my stint as a DJ at KHSU-FM and while it wasn't technically "metal", I could not stop listening to it! There's crushing, doomy riffage abound, no vokills, a classic rock vibe, and a steady and even paced drive to this recording that blends itself well with the band's overall approach. And for going against the norm even further, they have numbers in the place of song titles! What more could one ask for? Unfortunately, and probably due to the promo coming in a "slip-disc" case (i.e. cardboard sleeve, no jewel case), my CD version is scratched to shit thus I was stoked when I happened across it in vinyl form. I almost figured they were no longer together so I was surprised the band was listed as still 'active' on Metal-Archives and even more surprised that they released a new album titled, V in 2011.

Hailing from West Virginia, Karma To Burn show both their southern roots and their influences on Almost Heathen. They are an obscure band. Roadrunner initially picked them up, and they were forced to record their debut with a vocalist at the demand of the the record company. Almost Heathen was put out by Spitfire Records and this gave the band a bit more freedom to do what they wanted. They have since left Roadrunner and moved to greener pastures at Napalm Records. They are completely instrumental and it's a breath of fresh air to listen to something without vocals (I'm a vocalist, so bear with me here). This album rocks on so many levels! This is what "stoner metal" is all about! (In my opinion at least).

Fans of Corrosion Of Conformity, Down, High On Fire, Dragged By Horses, Machete, Pentagram, and the like will undoubtedly like this album.

So without further ado, I am simply going to allow you the chance to check it out for yourself. I'll even give you a download link (how's that for being nice?!) just don't be a a complete hippie and simply download it... Buy it man, dude! (Wait, I'm asking the IllCon readership to do what again? Ha! I must be high...)

Buy here

Download here

Metallum/Last.FM

Website/Myspace

Velvet Merlin, Merkins, and Such.

2012-01-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Seeing as my last post related to beer was a hit, I'd figure I'd post another one. I recently found a new beer that I think is worthy of your attention so sit back, pop open a cold one, and enjoy (or something to that extent).

Recently, I went down to an old watering hole of mine here in town appropriately called Humboldt Brews (or otherwise known as Humbrews by the locals here). Humboldt Brews was once the fabled and renowned Humboldt Brewing Company, Arcata's one and only brewery during the 90's and early 2000's (Note: Arcata has a new brewery, Redwood Curtain Brewing Co., that opened two years ago but I'll expand on this another time). Humboldt Brewing Company were famous for their Nectar Ales and Hemp Ale but the brewing rights were bought by Firestone Walker Brewing Co. in 2000 and the brewing process was relocated to Paso Robles. Humboldt Brewery ceased operations entirely in 2003 much to the dismay of the town's residents. Despite the change, the Nectar Ales line have continued under the auspices of Firestone Walker.

The main bar and pub that once housed Humboldt Brewery reopened in 2004 under the new moniker Humboldt Brews complete with a remodel, new menu, expanded beer selection, and an employee-owned staff. The place is currently owned and run by two of the original employees who remodeled and opened the former "brewing room" adjacent to the building that houses the pub as a main music and events hall complete with a full stage. At the time they reopened they boasted the largest selection of beer on tap in the Arcata/Eureka area (20 beers) and have tried to keep a relative good selection on hand. The place is still a draw for both locals and tourists alike but the atmosphere has changed significantly from the days when one could smell fresh malt permeating the streets of downtown Arcata and one could walk into the pub with a serious case of the DTs and no one gave a damn. The new incarnation of the brew-pup is friendly enough though, with good waiters and waitresses, large portions of food, and a relatively constant rotation of beer on tap as well as live music almost nightly. However I usually find myself making the one-mile hike down to Redwood Curtain Brewing Co. on the premise that the beer there is brewed on site and the walk down allows for some exercise. Plus, it helps to know those who work there ;)

So I found myself at Humbrews the other evening with my roommate and knowing that I wasn't really into an "IPA mood" I was curious if they still had a particular stout on tap that I remembered trying a month prior that was pretty impressive.

Velvet Merlin, formerly known as Velvet Merkin prior to bottling, is an oatmeal stout that is brewed by Firestone Walker and while I'm not the biggest fan of Firestone Walker, this ale is outstanding!

The original name "Merkin" is in reference to a public wig that were originally worn by prostitutes after having shaved their genitalia. Why the beer was given this moniker is a mystery but the origin of the pubic wig dates back to the 1400s when women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin in an attempt to combat lice and cover up signs of disease. Merkins eventually came into use for more decorative and erotic purposes by both women and men alike; they can be found in use during public events such as Burning Man and film shoots by actors and actresses to prevent inadvertent exposure of the genitalia. Perhaps Velvet Merlin's silky-smooth character is a reflection of the velvety feel of the merkin as is protects your private parts against the elements? Hell, I have no clue...

Anyways, I could understand changing the name to make it sound more appealing to the mass of beer consumers out there but I think "Merkin" is a much better name than "Merlin" for this ale. With that said however, this beer has an element of mysteriousness and boldness that one should not take lightly so "Merlin" is appropriate to an extent. This stout is dark and velvety with a decent head when poured correctly. It is exceptionally smooth, especially off the tap, and it has an element that is lost in many stouts (this no Guinness!!). It has slight elements of coffee, chocolate and vanilla and possesses a medium body and a low abv of 5.5% that makes for a really easy-to-drink beer (and good breakfast food if I may add, especially if you happen to be a poor, starving student as myself!). It is technically an oatmeal stout but is much more smooth and silky than most out there.

I could blabber on about how awesome this beer is, and you're probably bored if not drunk by now, or hopefully both, but truth be told it is you who need to make your own decision regarding this tasty beverage. I highly recommend picking up a 22oz bomber or 6-pack of it should you come across it! I'm not sure how long Velvet Merlin will be available. Firestone Walker's website states that it is a seasonal, released for the fall and winter months only. One thing to remember is that this beer is not pasteurized and thus can spoil so the sooner you find it, buy it and drink it! It is definitely one of the better beers I have had in a while!

Check out the brewery here for more information.
Also remember to check with your local or regional distributor to see if they can carry this or another particular beer (especially if you live in bumfuck-Egypt Humboldt County as I do).
Lastly, please drink responsibly!

Prost!

ANATA - THE INFERNAL DEPTHS OF HATRED (1998)

2012-01-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

"... where there was nature and earth, life and water, I saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. It was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abstract. This was what I could understand, this was how I lived my life, what I constructed my movement around, how I dealt with the tangible. This was the geography around which my reality revolved: it did not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that a man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through one's taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, of receiving another person's love or kindness. Nothing was affirmative, the term "generosity of spirit" applied to nothing, was a cliche, was some kind of bad joke. Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. What does intelligence signify? Define reason. Desire - meaningless. Intellect is not a cure. Justice is dead. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. Reflection is useless, the world is senseless. Evil is its only permanence. God is not alive. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in... this was civilization as I saw it, colossal and jagged..."

- Bret Easton Ellis,
American Psycho

Download some Swedish death metal HERE.
Or buy it.

Metallum/Last.FM

Stallone soundtrack pump up/round up.

2012-01-11T08:35:00.000-08:00

The joys and awesomeness of movie montage music have been extolled many a time here on Illcon. From the awesome Blood Bros mix-tapes to Cobra's in-house work out mix, we all know how hard they rule as well as the obvious mental and physical benefits that can be attained from listening to such down right manly, life affirming and brutally cool tunes.
Now, your probably wondering what all this is leading to? Well, as a sucker for soundtracks in general I routinely go through my collection and realised that out of everything I have, there is one actor who seems to have dominance over the rest of my OST shelf, that one man is Mr Sylvester Stallone.

On closer inspection I realised that he also seems to have the most relevance when it comes to pump up montages ( as well as more often than not having soundtracks that are far more entertaining than the actual films they correspond to). I mean, Rocky is the main culprit when it comes down to it. In fact, the first 4 Rocky films possess enough sweaty working out set to awesome rock music footage to power a small country. Eye of The Tiger, case in point. The ruling Kingpin of montage riffary. So in the Illcon spirit of educated the uneducated, I have pulled out my personal picks of the Stallone OST library for you good people to enjoy, kick back, work out and be cool to.

Various Artists - Rocky IV

Starting of with the undisputed king of pump up soundtracks, Rocky IV. The first Rocky film I ever saw also possesses the best of the series music. Of course Eye of The Tiger is here, but so is No Easy Way Out, Sweetest Victory and Hearts On Fire. Not to mention Vince Dicola's two instrumental ass-kickers. Pure montage fury. I'm also pretty sure the film has more montages per reel than any other film.

If he dies, he die.

Various Artists - Over The Top

I don't think anyone knew where Stallone was going with this film, I am pretty sure he didn't either but he made damn sure the soundtrack was solid. Ignore the stinkers from his brother Frank and the limp effort by Kenny Loggins, just focus on Sammy Hagar's timeless Winner Takes It All. Asia's Gypsy Soul, Larry Greene's Take It Higher and Giorgio Moroder's instrumental The Fight. Need a soundtrack for your next Tuesday arm wrestling meet up? Here you go.

Weiner takes it all.

Harold Faltermeyer - Tango & Cash

Can a buddy cop movie go wrong? Even with Kurt Russell involved? I am afraid so. Case in point, Tango & Cash. Despite a pretty okay chemistry between the Kurtster and Stallone, Robert Z'dar swinging his giant chin around and some pretty sweet cowboy boots with a gun hidden in the heel, this was a surprisingly lumpen affair. The same can't be said of the classy score courtesy of the main man Harold Faltermeyer though. Combining the upbeat, streetwise sounds of his Beverly Hills Cop score alongside the more brooding work he cultivated on The Running Man, Mr Faltermeyer pulls another winner out the bag.

Rambo? Rambo's a pussy.

Various Artists - Cobra

Believe it or not, this was originally what Beverly Hills Cop was going to be like. After being pushed off the project, Stallone vowed he would make the film he intended. The result was Cobra. Awesome for being so lame on so many levels. The soundtrack is worthwhile for Jean Beauvoir;s Feel The Heat, Gary Wright's lost classic Hold On To Your Vision and the instrumental efforts by Sylvester Levay. Perfect music to soundtrack some rogue policing.

This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!

Keith Emerson - Nighthawks

You decide to make a movie about Billy Dee Williams and Stallone chasing a crazed, European bomber as he blows up innocent people. Who would you get to soundtrack it? How about organ destroying, keyboard pioneer Keith Emerson? Superb idea. Emerson crafted a pretty solid score with this one. In a very similar way to Lalo Schiffrin approaching his work on Dirty Harry from a jazz background, Emerson approached Nighthawks with a head full of prog keyboard noodling and worked unhindered until it was complete.

There is no security

All this awesomeness has made me wonder when the montage actually came into use? I remember Rocky from being a kid but did such a thing exist in the 60's or 70's?

MONDAY MORNING (?) MEXICAN PORNOGRIND CORNER

2012-01-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

Metal brothers, we are now in Day 10 of cold turkey withdrawal from lllCon West's benevolent mother teat. I have to say, I CRITICALLY underestimated the reach of Shelby Cobras's influence and the strength of his resolve. I see now the man will stop at nothing. See, my kid hasn't stopped throwing up for two days now. How did we go from pot shots at my spelling to attempted INFANTICIDE?? Well, it's gonna take more than a few chow showers from an 18 month old to weaken MY resolve. Thanks to Jason, who rightly reminds me of my sworn duties to uphold, MONDAY MORNING MEXICAN PORNOGRIND CORNER goes on.

Uritkaria Anal is this week's featured scumfuck porn-shilling monstruos. On Divine Depravation, they eek our nearly an hour's worth of microphone-too-close-to-the-mouth guttural ejaculations, glandular skinwork, and lyrical STDs. If one jam called 'Sifilis' isn't enough for you, don't worry, this record has two. I don't quite get what happened but the recording fidelity switches gears halfway through the album and you get like these alternate versions (maybe?) that let the songs breath a little more (which, really, is what pornogrind needs isn't it? just a little more breathing space?).

has anyone used Tako to ama for pornogrind cover art yet?

Jesus Christ, what kind of distortion does that guy use on side 2 anyway? Anyone know? Not the HM2; maybe that $50 Digitech unit? I dunno, it fucking RULES though. My first band, Sticky Bear, recorded STRAIGHT to some Maxwell 60 mins. (if we were flush that week; otherwise it was Sonys). My Peavey Predator came out sounding exactly like this.

DAT FONT

You know how bad you hate it when someone says your music all sounds the same? Yeah, well, every track sounds EXACTLY THE SAME here. Flip this on the hi fi, crack open a high life, and expand your horizons.

Uritkaria Anal - Divine Depravation

MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Ichneumonidae

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

Ichneumonidae are a large family of wasps in the order Hymenoptera (wasps, bees and ants), They are identifiable because of their antennae-which have more segments most other wasps, extremely long ovipositors(egg laying structures)-often longer than their body, and their wing structure is different than other families if you want to get technical about it. They often have long cigar shaped abdomen, but not in all species.
Ichneumonidae is my favorite family of insects and a strong contender for Most Metal Organism. They earn my vote for this honor with: 1. sheer brutality, 2: literal metal and 3. a Christopher Hitchens-like disdain for god and religion. And they just look fucking cool:

1. Sheer Brutality

Most ichneumon species are parasitoids, the adult laying eggs in the host and the larvae developing within the host's body, often killing it. The main hosts for ichneumons are larvae of other insects. The female injects the eggs with her ovipositor(s), sometimes drilling into the tree that the host is living in. By sensing vibrations made by the host, she can locate it, drill into the tree and lay her eggs in it, through sometimes inches of wood.

Here is the process step by step: (from Wikipedia [check it out because the pic is much bigger])

Tapping with her antennae, the wasp detects and localizes scent and vibrations that indicate a host is present.
With the longer ovipositor, the wasp drills a hole through the bark.
The wasp inserts the ovipositor into the cavity which contains the host larva.
Making corrections.
Depositing her eggs.
Depositing her eggs.

Some species inject venom along with the eggs. The eggs hatch and the larvae develop in the host, feeding off it and killing it before emerging as an adult.

Here's a cool vid from the excellent Life in Undergrowth series on the BBC about an ichneumon that parasitizes caterpillars that live inside ant's nests:

Pretty brutal lifestyle or what?

2. Actually Metal

How do ichneumonids drill into the tree that the host lives in with just a thin ovipositor? How do the adults get out of the tree when they emerge from the host? The tip of the females ovipositor and the adults' mandibles in some species are tipped with actual METAL (zinc or maganese).

3. Disdain for Religion

Philosophers, theologians and naturalists were troubled by the cruelty and br00tality exhibited by organisms such as ichneumonid wasps and cuckoos. How could god create creatures that are so cruel if he is benevolent? Charles Darwin himself wrote:

I own that I cannot see as plainly as others do, and as I should wish to do, evidence of design and beneficence on all sides of us. There seems to me too much misery in the world. I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice.

Parasites like ichneumonids and cuckoos are and excellent challenge to the benevolence of god and creationism. In real life, shit like "cruelty" and "kindness" don't factor into survival, which is all that matters. As Darwin put it: "Let the strong survive and the weak perish."

All in all pretty fucking metal, and certainly at the top of my list for Most Metal Organism. And before yall get any ideas, I got dibs on writing a song about these sexy hellbeasts.

Lets Go Trippin: Intro to surf rock

2012-01-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

so jealous...

Yes, this post is about surf rock, by that I mean Surf Rock and not that Beach Boys crap. Fuck that shit. That is "rock about surf" and not surf rock proper.

Surf rock is a mostly instrumental guitar driven music (except in the early days it was fairly common for surf bands to shit out a pop single with a vocalist). It places great importance on melodic guitar lines played with heavy reverb. Reverb is key to surf rock. Surf bands use reverb the way death metal bands use distortion. It is hard to make the case that something is surf if it doesn't have tons of reverb. Also tremelo picking, whammy dips and palm muting are vary common techniques. Since it is instrumental for the most part there is less standard song structure than the other music of its day, though certain lines or themes are often repeated.

Surf originated in the late 50's by artists like Link Wray and the Ventures. But it was Dick Dale that made it is what it is today. He used a clean guitar tone with maximum reverb, tremelo riffs and heavy use of the whammy bar. His style included melodious guitar lines and incorporated elements from Middle Eastern and Mexican music. Sometimes a saxophone would carry the melody; an electric bass and drums made up the rhythm section.

The first true surf hit was his "Lets go Trippin'" from 1961 which became a regional hit in SoCal. Soon the trend became a national fad with both The Chantays and The Surfaris making the top 10 in 1963 with "Pipeline" and Wipe Out" respectively. Soon surf bands started popping up around the country in such as the quiet beachside communities of Boulder, Colorado (The Astronauts) Minneapolis, Minnestota (The Trashmen) Baltimore, Maryland (The Fender IV, featuring future Blue Cheer guitarist Randy Holden) and Sydney, Australia (The Atlantics). There was also a surf scene in Japan.

Surf rock began to decline in poularity in the mid-60's with the rise of the Beatles and other British invasion crap. But it never really died in the hearts of the true fans, and guys like Dick Dale managed to hold on in the Dark Ages.
More recently with the release of Pulp Fiction and the internets surf rock is experiencing something of a revival, much like psychobilly and kiddie thrash. Much like psychobilly and kiddie thrash there is some element of dressing up, but fortunately surf rock fashion isn't nearly as bad as those genres, mostly just Hawaiian shirts. The clean cut look has died along with shitting out a pop song with a singer.

Heres a list of some of my favorite current surf bands:

The Aqua Velvets

One of the first surf revival bands, the Aqua Velvets have stuck with the genre since the 80's and are still kicking.

Man or Astro-Man?

One of the higher profile revival bands, they started off as fairly trad surf, but gradually became more abstract.

Gary Hoey

Not exactly a true surf rocker, he started out as a heavy metal shredder. He tried out for Ozzy in 88 but lost to Zakk Wylde. He did some solo type shred stuff in the 90's. In 2005 he released Monster Surf, a collection of hard rock covers of classic surf songs, pretty fuckin rad if you ask me, even if he is an Affliction tool now.

The Madeira

Very progressive surf with heavy middle eastern influences. They display more dynamics than the average surf band, with acoustic passages and brooding intros.

Secret Samurai

In my opinion the best of the modern surf rockers. They play a progressive style of surf with influences from exotica and spaghetti western soundtracks. No fucking around with samples and intros, just rippin surf.

There are plenty of other good surf bands out there, just search myspace, youtube and bandcamp.

Unfortunately, the surf rock community has not figured out MediaFire and stuff like that, and there is almost nothing out there to download, and no surf mp3 blogs. Anyhoo, here's The Secret Samurai's first album, Gun Sho Gun:

Download/Buy

Metal and surf rarely come into contact, but it does happen. Examples: the aforementioned Gary Hoey, Satch's Surfing With the Alien (not metal, but close enough), the intro to "Craving Illness" by Deceased and Agalloch's "Our Fortress is Burning... I" sounds pretty surftastic to me.

Warning - Watching From A Distance (2006)

2012-01-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

The new year is traditionally a time for optimism for the year to come, a time for starting anew. Fuck that shit.

Here is some slow, ultra depressing cult doom from England's Warning. Anchored by Solstice and Sore Throat's Rich Walker's cousin Patrick Walker, who plays guitar and sings. They did a couple of demos in the 90s and a full-length in 1999, The Strength to Dream. It's Ok but your better off spending time listening to Watching From a Distance again. They put out Watching From a Distance on Rich's Miskatonic Foundation in 2006. It is their finest hour, and also their swan song.

Tempo change is a foreign concept to these guys. Never getting above a slow crawl, this album could be monotonous if it weren't so good. They have a penchant for Revelation-style arpeggiated chords in addition to the standard doom power chord riffs. Bass: non-existant. Drumming: slow and slower.

Did I mention these guys are sad. They are, or at least Patrick Walker is. He weaves with his Ozzyish voice tales of love lost, regret and plain old loss. And the music reflects it. This album is one blob of negative emotions, real Ghostbusters 2 shit. These guys make Crowbar seem like Blink-182 or some pussy shit like that. Real touchy feely, but still killer, and one of the best post-millenial doom performances.

Warning split in 2009, but it's OK, cuz Walker started 40 Watt Sun, and they sound just like Warning. Except that the drumming on The Inside Room was a little too fast at times. Maybe Christian "Commando" Leitch will slow it the fuck down for the next album. This is doom metal for fucks sake.

Side note: isn't it strange how many doom dudes were in death metal/grind bands before going doom? Must be growing up, cuz it sure aint selling out. Ex: Patrick Walker, Rich Walker, Lee Dorrian, Jus Oborn, Fernando Opazo of Marchefunebre, My Dying Bride, etc.

Blistering Anal Skin

You gotta be f***ing KIDDING me!

2012-01-03T16:17:00.001-08:00

I believe this speaks for itself.

MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Amorphophallus titanum AKA The Stench of Death And Decay

2012-01-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

Man, DoomUnicorn has been breaching all kinds of etiquette lately. Not only did he come out of nowhere with this whole "IllCon East vs. IllCon West" feud (see last post), but he added insult to injury by posting pornogrind on a Monday, which we all know is verboten. Not only that, but the guy spelled "cryptosporidium" wrong multiple times in said post--I mean, who spells "cryptosporidium" incorrectly? Rookie moves, man. Rookie moves.

Anyhow, West Coast Envy notwithstanding, we now return you to your scheduled program: Monday Morning Science Corner, the CORRECT, educated, West Coast version of Monday mornings at ICHQ. Today's subject is the "corpse flower" AKA "carrion flower", a topic recommended by These A Beast--who I thank graciously, and forgive for living on the wretched East Coast of these United States.

Wikipedia: The titan arum or Amorphophallus titanum (from Ancient Greek amorphos, "without form, misshapen" + phallos, "phallus", and titan, "giant" = "Giant Misshapen Penis") is a flowering plant with the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The titan arum's inflorescence is not as large as that of the Talipot palm, Corypha umbraculifera, but the inflorescence of the Talipot palm is branched rather than unbranched.
Due to its odor, which is reminiscent of the smell of a decomposing mammal, the titan arum is characterized as a carrion flower, and is also known as the "corpse flower", or "corpse plant" (Indonesian: bunga bangkai – bunga means flower, while bangkai means corpse or cadaver). For the same reason, the title "corpse flower" is also attributed to the genus Rafflesia which, like the titan arum, grows in the rainforests of Sumatra.

Sumatra is also known for its vicious Rat Monkeys

The titan arum's inflorescence can reach over 3 metres (10 ft) in height. Like the related cuckoo pint and calla lily, it consists of a fragrant spadix of flowers wrapped by a spathe, which looks like a large petal. In the case of the titan arum, the spathe is green on the outside and dark burgundy red on the inside, and deeply furrowed. The spadix is hollow and resembles a large loaf of French bread. The upper, visible portion of the spadix is covered in pollen, while its lower extremity is spangled with bright red-orange carpels. The "fragrance" of the titan arum resembles rotting meat, attracting carrion-eating beetles and Flesh Flies (family Sarcophagidae) that pollinate it. The inflorescence's deep red color and texture contribute to the illusion that the spathe is a piece of meat. During bloom, the tip of the spadix is approximately human body temperature, which helps the perfume volatilize; this heat is also believed to assist in the illusion that attracts carcass-eating insects.
After the flower dies back, a single leaf, which reaches the size of a small tree, grows from the underground corm. The leaf grows on a semi-green stalk that branches into three sections at the top, each containing many leaflets. The leaf structure can reach up to 6 metres (20 ft) tall and 5 metres (16 ft) across. Each year, the old leaf dies and a new one grows in its place. When the corm has stored enough energy, it becomes dormant for about 4 months. Then, the process repeats.
The corm is the largest known, weighing around 50 kilograms (110 lb). When a specimen at the Princess of Wales Conservatory, Kew Gardens, was repotted after its dormant period, the weight was recorded as 91 kilograms (200 lb).

Above: Visual approximation of Amorphophallus titanum's bloom odor

Left: related "corpse flower" species Rafflesia.

So let's see here: Amorphophallus titanum is a flower that a) comes from the very-metal location of Sumatra, b) grows to as much as 20 feet tall and 16 feet wide, c) blooms only after 7-15 years of life, d) has a Latin name that means "giant, misshapen dick", and e) mimics the smell (and appearance, and temperature) of rotting flesh to attract insects.
Holy fuck. That is Very Metal.

For a fucking flower, I mean.

Titan arum blooming in time lapse:

And lastly, David Attenborough breaks it down:

PS: Speaking of shit that stinks, Episode 16 of IllCon Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE. Learn about the deep UFOlogy behind Blink 182, Alan Moore’s masturbation sorcery, and the soon-to-be-released Grateful Dead MMORPG!

Lots of really cool stuff is coming up on the show in January as well, including an in-depth study of the conspiracy theories connected to Kubrick's The Shining (hint: it's a palindrome), an interview with Peaches Christ, an entire episode about Disney's ties to mind control, Illuminati symbolism, and Satan, and the return of the almighty Freeman. Turn on, tune in, and HESH OUT!

Cryptosporidium Parvum - Demo 2008

2012-01-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

I hereby direct your attention to Cryptosporidium Parvum, a quotidian blip on the acne-pocked face of pornogrind circa late 00s. I normally have little patience for this sort of thing but CP's brand of sloppy, under-produced, overblown grind endears itself to me every time. They've got a track, "vaginal love" on their 2007 demo whose amorous title is out of place with pornogrind's usual over-the-top nomenclature and whose beginning does not sound entirely unlike "Louie, Louie." So where most bands lose you with their tales of clitoral evisceration, CP warms the heart with a track about simply loving pussy. Even if this kind of thing isn't your kind of thing (pig grunts and the like) do yourself a solid and have a couple of chuckles over the video for "Ay, Mamsheeta" below. That's right, Mamasheeta. See what they did there?

couldn't find any band photos so used this instead

Cryptosporidium Parvum - Demo 2008

Important Announcement for the New Year

2011-12-31T16:09:00.001-08:00

After a decade of bitter infighting and rancour between two ideologically polarized camps within ICHQ, I am delighted to announce the grand opening of IllCon East, a new subdivision of IC Enterprises which is charged with ensuring East Coast considerations are factored into decision-making around marketing, product development, and systems change. This venture comes on the coattails of a debate that has been percolating beneath the surface of everyday business and has made working alongside one another no longer possible. I now present to you IllCon East's mission statement:

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST

Allow me to explain...

Here on the East Coast, being metal is a fucking chore. You have to work at it. If you're a metalhead and come from anywhere East of Sanford Parker's fiefdom, Ohio, you're already handicapped. You're fucked. You have to ship in all your bullet belts and patches from El Salvador. Out on the West Coast every other day Wormrot is playing in LA, fucking Brocas Helm is playing Gilman or whatever it's called, blah fucking blah.

2nd one from left is 9th grade me

I was just talking to These a Beast, who lives in Jersey, about what shows we'd been to recently and it was downright scornful. The only show either of has had been to in the last month was the same goddamn show, one night apart from each other. Granted, it was Inquisition, and they fucking killed, but still. West Coast's got the labels, the communal groundswell, the bands, the venues, AND legal kush. It's like the metal is being handed to you on a silver plate; all you need to do is MOSH.

And don't get me started on Black Metal. How do you have all these awesome goddamn black metal bands on the West Coast? What do YOU know about Black Metal? Any 'banger worth his Nargaroth back patch knows Black Metal is all about winter, midnight vision quests through frost-choked ravines, taking your shirt off, and takin' a pic for the album cover. What does the West Coast know about winter? Where I'm from we're living an Immortal album 30% of the entire year while your metal bands are playing flutes around the bonfire, fucking celebrating the harvest, and yukking it up over a sack of northern lights.

er, we're not all like this, promise

(Speaking of New Jersey, that's probably the most metal places on the planet ain't it? Fuck sylven forests of primordial hardwoods and awe-inspiring ocean vistas, forget Norway...New Fucking Jersey man. It's basically built on top of toxic sludge and car parts. Anyone who elects to live there voluntarily earns their spike cuffs automatically.)

is more metal than

The East Coast always seems to get left out of conversations about metal (New Yorker notwithstanding), perhaps due to regional metal xenophobia, perhaps ignorance, perhaps its the smaller profiles of the bands, maybe a combination of all this. We gave you NYDM, Dio, Grief...the nascent scuzz-BM scene (see Mutilation Rites) is giving the Black Twilight Circle a run for their money IMHO...hell we've got Florida so right there we've buttoned up 90% of the American Death Metal legacy.

ANDMANOWAR

i know u like my layout skills

Now, I'm not saying we're completely infallible. In fact, we owe you a couple of apologies: namely Liturgy, the whole Savannah/Atlanta thing (seriously, what the fuck is up with the whole Kylesa/Baroness/Mastodon scene? can someone fill me in plz thx). We MIGHT be single-handedly responsible for metalcore also, now that I think about it. Whoops lol. I hereby apologise for all our past transgressions.

So anyway, yeah, this:

WEST COAST
i detect your pose
all the way from here

EAST COAST
trve

I rest my case.

You are cordially invited to the ceremonial ribbon cutting of the brand-new, 230 acre IllCon East campus, featuring an exclusive Evoken and Cannibal Corpse showcase*, and we will vote on IllCon East's new charter. I hereby lay down the gauntlet, West Coast pussies. The metal world is overdue for a good beef with all the trimmings, don't you think? Infantile posturing in album intros, threats of violence via YouTube, all that. How great would that be? Minus the assassinations, Varg.

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST.

*not verified

COBRAS' TOP ELEVEN OF ELEVEN

2011-12-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

Seems like a pretty safe time to put out a 'Top Eleven of 2011', right? I mean, unless Inquisition puts out a new album within the next 30 hours or so, all entries have been accounted for and all the votes have been tallied--we're in the clear. Now, I know most of you are probably hoping for some sort of '20 Shittiest'-esque fiasco this year, but I regret to inform you that no such shit-talking will happen this time around: I was too busy listening to Joe Rogan and Giorgio Tsoukalos argue about ancient aliens to even listen to 20 "new" albums in their entirety this year, much less write about them.
It's true. I basically gave up music blogging in 2011, but that doesn't mean I can't shit out a quick dozen recommendations for you, does it? I still listen to metal on occasion. I don't by any means keep up with new music like I used to, but people are still constantly sending me stuff to listen to (despite my protests), so why not?

These "year end" lists are basically bullshit, and full of weird politics anyways. I mean, I thought the new Vektor album was great, but I never got a chance to fully digest the whole thing. Does that go on the list? Nah. The new Cruciamentum EP kills, but I'm bored of it already. Does that go on the list? Nah. I guess what you're looking at here is a small, somewhat inaccurate gathering of releases that actually held my attention this year, and no matter how many times I tell you guys I'm unqualified to write it, you'll still comment to tell me what I left out. Whatever. I know my taste in music sucks. That already puts me ahead of the pack. Fuck it.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the list.
Let's do this.

11. GIGAN - QUASI-HALLUCINOGENIC SONIC LANDSCAPES

There is much to be said for the type of Hessian bro that would rock a Voltron shirt in his band photo, as there is also much to be said for the type of Hessian bro that would (somewhat befuddlingly) entitle a song "Suspended In Cubes of Torment". This is GIGAN in a nutshell--insane, quasi-psychedelic riffs, extended noise loops, and biomechanical-octopus musicianship aside. Much hate has been thrown at the "tech" sub-genre in recent years, but I remain a firm supporter--as long as actual ideas are present. Despite the machine-gun drumming and tapping solos, these fuckers know how to write a goddamn SONG. Every jam on Quasi-Hallucinogenic has some sort of catchy section, several repeating (sometimes to the point of hypnotic) riffs, and a vocal hook (or at least what qualifies for one in death metal), and as a result, I've been stuck on it since its release earlier this year.
I've said before that I enjoy tech-death because it is the perfect union of the visceral and the cerebral. Gigan drive that point home--with the fury and precision of a marauding Mechagodzilla on DMT.

Metallum/Last.FM

10. PESTE NOIRE - L'ORDURE A L'ETAT PUR

Is the guy from France's Peste Noire a Nazi? Fuck if I know, or care. Either way, L'Ordure à l'état Pur is an epic mindfuck of a black metal album, mixing weird, psuedo-techno beats, farm animal noises, and bleak, misanthropic nihilism into a startling broth that managed to push boundaries even in the over-saturated BM market of 2011. There is plenty that I don't like about this album (see the aforementioned "techno" beats, 20-minute song times, NSBM leanings, etc etc) but the all-encompassing WEIRDNESS contained herein has made it a mainstay in the trusty ol' iPod, and the fact that Peste Noire can still keep me guessing after repeat listenings has to count for something.
If Abbath and Horgh commandeered Gogol Bordello and toured the catacombs of Paris, it might sound something like L'Ordure à l'état Pur. But until that happens, we'll just have to settle for this oddball gem, NS bullshit be damned.

Metallum/Last.FM

9. ENTRAILS ERADICATED - VIRALOCITY EP

JGD introduced me to Australia's Entrails Eradicated just recently, but I don't feel the least bit hesitant adding them here after such a short honeymoon. Sure, the extensive noise intros are overkill for this EP's brief runtime, but Viralocity is the band's first release, and this much talent deserves a little room to fuck up. Like Gigan, EE temper sweep-picked insanity with tasteful, catchy vocals and recognizable song structures, making them an instant favorite here at ICHQ.
Be forewarned: this year's Top 11 is chock-full of "techy" shit, but that's what seems to be sounding good to me these days. Perhaps technical death metal has finally tired of chasing its own tail, and is now settling into a pattern of "good songwriting" and "realistic production". But maybe it's just wishful thinking. Either way, Entrails Eradicated are doing something right, so here's to hoping that they don't perpetuate that "one EP and done" cycle so many other promising shredders have fallen prey to (see: Viraemia, Slaughterbox, etc).
Oh, and nice windmills too, guys.

Metallum/Last.FM

8. ARCHSPIRE - ALL SHALL ALIGN

Another obscure, tasteful tech gem, this time from the hoary wastes of Vancouver, Canada. These fellas seem to conform more to the shaved-heads-and-basketball-shorts school of uber-athletic bro-wanking, which, if you know ol' Cobras, is a major bonus. Shattering expectations by shunning any sort of melodic vocal pattern and/or Autotuned mosh breakdown, Archspire hit hard and fast, thoroughly annihilating your facial region with an onslaught of seven-string wizardry and hyperspeed blasting, all the while maintaining a crunchy, sing-along-with-Cookie-Monster feel that would make the Swedish DM Gods proud.
It should be duly noted that All Shall Align (like Viralocity) is Archspire's first release and mission statement--hinting that perhaps this is a band we should all be paying attention to in the future... Then again, maybe not--I saw one of their guitarists rocking a Dream Theater shirt in a live video.

Also, LOL:

Metallum/Last.FM

7. VAST AIRE - OX 2010: A STREET ODYSSEY

I've included Vast Aire's long-awaited opus Ox 2010: A Street Odyssey as a sorbet, to cleanse the palate. After all, if you don't mix it up and take a break from metal every now and then, you'll end up as one of those sad, defensive, sheltered pussies that hangs out in MetalSucks comments sections all day, writing things like "+1" and "^this".
All kidding aside, though, Vast Aire's solo follow up to his old duo Cannibal Ox's 2001 oddball classic The Cold Vein is 100% worth the wait, bursting at the seams with both streetwise, guns-and-dope poetry and abstract, artsy philosophy. It sucks that Vorghul Mega wasn't around for this one, but FUCK, Ox 2010 is a great album, and has been getting just as much stereo time here at ICHQ as anything the "metal" realm produced in 2011.

Last.FM: Vast Aire/Cannibal Ox

Brought to you by IllCon Animation Studios, Inc.

6. CONDEMNED - REALMS OF THE UNGODLY

2011 was the year that I took the wise words BEHEAD THOSE THAT INSULT SLAM as my own personal motto, recognizing as it were the odd correlation between "slam-insulting" and "fun-hating". I mean, seriously: I know "slam metal" is by far the most testosterone-driven form of DM, appealing to the most socially-and-intellectually-inept camo-shorters amongst us, but if you can't see the reason for its base appeal (i.e. sweet fucking grooves that make you mosh your balls off) then you are all but dead to me.
Sure, Realms of The Ungodly is standard-issue slam with the quality and riffsmanship levels bumped up a couple notches. But the sole fact that Condemned is comprised of 40 to 60% of the same dudes from the almighty CEPHALOTRIPSY? That connection alone bumps them up to #6.
PS: The new Cephalotripsy promo stuff that came out this year deserves its own spot on this list, but I figure I'll just save the #1 spot for their upcoming full-length on my Top 12 of '12 list next year. Fair enough.

Also, some new Cephalo jams in case you slept on 'em:

Metallum/Last.FM

5. VISCERAL DISGORGE - INGESTING PUTRIDITY

Like I said on #6: SLAM-INSULTERS CAN FUCKING SUCK IT.
Baltimore's own Visceral Disgorge have occupied their own little corner of my iPod's memory for the latter half of 2011, remaining both relevant and welcome with each "shuffle" cycle. Their low-brow sex-and-gore samples? Gold. Their mixed-too-low, monotone vocals? Yes please. "Force Fed Shredded Genitalia"? 10-4. "Colostomy Bag Asphyxiation"? Roger that. This is a band that will remind any Hessian warrior worth his spikes to never take him(or her)self too seriously, with enough tech-y, brain-melting pitt riffment to still qualify as "smart". Did I mention that this, too, is their first release?
More please.

Metallum/Last.FM

4. CRAFT - VOID

Often derided as hipster BM (thanks to a record deal with Southern Lord), Sweden's Craft have nonetheless delivered quality album after quality album since their inception in 1999 (Pro Tip: get 2000's Total Soul Rape and 2002's Terror Propaganda RIGHT HERE), with Void being their best so far. Few bands can rival Craft for pure, unadulterated misanthropy and hatred, but it's their innovative musicianship that really tickles my nuts.
This album represents Craft's Pokemon-esque evolution into a bigger, better, and more menacing creature--the Blastoise to Fuck The Universe's Wartortle. It's a shame that they'll inevitably have to go and kill themselves in the near future, depriving us of more classics like this one.

Best Song 2011?:

Metallum/Last.FM

3. ABSU - ABZU

Whenever I wish to judge a new Absu offering, I simply hold it up to their track off the 1997 Gummo OST, "The Gold Torques of Ulaid". Where does this new recording land on The Ulaid Scale? Is it 'not nearly as good'? 'Almost as good'? 'Better' (just kidding, no one will ever write a song better than that one)? The way I see it, said jam is the apex of the Absu pantheon, showcasing both their talent for complex, busy riffing, and obscure, transcendental mythologizing.
How gleeful was I, then, to find upon the arrival of their 2011 opus Abzu, that the WHOLE GODDAMN THING scored 'as good as' on The Ulaid Scale? I mean, FUCK, the opening track "Earth Ripper" alone packs an album's-worth of blackened, thrashy, cosmic goodness--but by the time the 15-minute closing track rolls around, one's mind is left as nothing but an amorphous pool of humiliated sludge.
Weird enough that these dudes would title their 2011 album Abzu after calling their 2009 release Absu--but hey, it's no secret that this band is on a different plane (they're from fucking Texas, man!), and should be treated as other-wordly beings. Far be it from me to pass judgment.

Obviously, Sir Proscriptor is on some next-level intergalactic karate-chop lamé-headband shit.

Metallum/Last.FM

2. ORIGIN - ENTITY

At the risk of sounding douchey or name-droppy, allow me to share a brief story about an encounter I had earlier this year with Paul Ryan, guitarist and main songwriter for longtime IllCon favorites Origin:

Sometime around February, I was making the rounds in SF, handing out flyers for the first (and last?) annual IC Black/Death Fest. I stopped by the ol' Guitar Center on Van Ness (where Paul works as a salesbro) to drop off some handbills, at which point homeboy pulled me aside and asked if I'd like to hear a track off the new (as of then unreleased) Origin album. Well yeah, of course, duh.
Anyhow, long story short, Paul took me back into the dark recesses of their PA department, where he proceeded to completely melt my face and brain by playing Entity's opening track "Expulsion of Fury" through a fucking WALL of speakers. I pretty much knew right then and there that the new album was going to be one of the best (if not THE best) albums of the year, and upon its official arrival in July, my suspicions were confirmed. Origin just blows the doors off of EVERYONE with this one. Case closed.

Metallum/Last.FM

Unanimous winner: Best animated .gif 2011

So now it's time, folks... A whole year of metal, all boiled down to ONE amazing release. My NUMBER ONE pick of 2011, an album that changed lives, made us laugh, made us think, made us cry.
Without further ado, the Illogical Contraption Number One Album of the Year:

MIND-BENDING.
LIFE-ALTERING.
A TOUR-DE-FORCE.

Hemlock - Funeral Mask (1997)

2011-12-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

Last week I did a post that consisted of a "mix-tape" of sorts for y'all. Actually it was more of a "digital-mix" but nonetheless the premise remains the same. The mix featured USBM bands and within it I had a song from the obscure and occult band, HEMLOCK. Not much info is out there on the band and their material isn't exactly easy to acquire, so I thought it would be appropriate to feature the band.

HEMLOCK hailed from New York, NY and surfaced in 1992 as the "second wave of Black Metal" that emerged from Norway began to make headlines. Funeral Mask was released in the year 1997. HEMLOCK split up shortly after their second full-length release in 1999 titled Lust for Fire. Supposedly, they had ties with the Norwegian scene. I'm not sure to what extent their ties were but I remember reading that one of the members in the band's earlier days was in contact with Euronymous. They subsequently landed a deal with Head Not Found Records which was owned by Metalion of Slayer Magazine fame. So the connection was significant enough apparently.

Now I'm not a usually a huge fan of noisy, incoherent, under-produced metal, especially when it comes to black metal. It took me a few listens to really get into this album. The production is rough, true, but not entirely shit. The vocals are grating and often indecipherable at times; upon introduction, they were just annoying enough to almost quit listening all together, however I found myself getting used to them. The guitar work and drumming are what kept my attention though. I can't begin to describe this album as it is all over the place in parts and where some of the songs would normally be an immediate turnoff for me due to the vocals, they throw in a riff or drum fill or change in the rhythm that kept me interested. This album carries with it all the early hallmarks of black metal but elements of punk and thrash are also heard, and even doom if I dare say (check out the title track).

All of this makes for a highly volatile, rough, misanthropic sound. Just when you have come to terms with what this band is trying to convey or conjure up and are beginning to enjoy it, they take it from you, chew it up, and spit it back in your face all the while smashing your head in.

While it took some listening to - after many, many beers of course - I came to appreciate Funeral Mask and it's raw, dirty production. I feel the reviews for this album by others are somewhat inaccurate. In my opinion, this is a highly underrated album and a worthy listen for anyone remotely into black metal that came from the United States. If anything, this is truly a worthy listen. If this caught the interest of Norway's best back in the early '90s, this surely will appeal to those interested in a sound and a time that has since passed.

Tracks that stand out: Way Of The Wolf, Necrofuck, Loyal To Evil, and Funeral Mask.

Listen first
or
Purchase here

Metallum / Last.FM

ADDENDUM: As DoomUnicorn pointed out, which I apparently forgot to mention, this band features members that are/were/have been in other more prominent bands such as Nuclear Assault, Brutal Truth, Exumer, Dim Mak, and Incantation to name a few.

DALE SCHACKER - SABER RIDER AND THE STAR SHERIFFS OST (1987)

2011-12-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

Does the name Dale Schacker mean anything to you? Have you ever heard of such forgotten in time, animation cell wasting fodder as Denver The Last Dinosaur? Twinkle The Dream Being? How about Mr Bogus? If you answered "who the fuck cares" to any of those questions then fair play..
Dale Schacker was a musician and composer for the above mentioned cartoons as well as for the early 80's US version of Voltron. High on the success of Voltron : Defender Of The Universe, the studio, World Events Productions, bought up a Japanese anime titled Star Musketeer Bismarck. After altering key plot points, adding scenes, modifying content and basically dicking around with the format they released it onto TV screens as Saber Rider And The Star Sheriffs in 1987.
Now, I will admit I had no clue whatsoever about this cartoon prior to becoming acquainted with the soundtrack about 3 years ago. In all honesty the actual series is pretty standard when compared to other 80's, space cowboy classics such as Bravestarr and Galaxy Rangers. What makes it, is the awesome soundtrack by Mr Dale Schacker. Awesome because he was granted full creative control to compose an entire score that would give the series its own identity and awesome for sounding like Bal-Sagoth playing Stan Bush songs while home invading Nickelodeon.
Schacker packs the soundtrack with a ton of shredding, uber-processed 80's guitar, dramatic build ups, Morricone-esque motifs featuring harmonica and whip cracks, a slight touch of synthpop melody and various pieces of music that sound like those bits in The A-Team when they are building a tank out of a toaster and a lawn mower. Basically, its a pretty sweet compilation of tons of things most Illcon followers approve of. Need music to soundtrack those crappy chores? Here you go. Need music to soundtrack ignoring your girlfriend? Here you go. Need music to get ripped to? here you go. Saber Rider covers all your needs.

Get it here.

Need further convincing? Then wrap your ears around the awesome....

If your not sold yet then there really is something wrong with you, so included as bonus tracks are the French and Japanese theme tunes, a whole host of metal and rock versions of the main theme, a couple of remixes and a pretty boring interview with Schacker that they could have done without really.

P.S. The Saber Rider team had a huge robot cowboy thing titled Ramrod ( Bismarck in the original anime). As a kid, I had a catalogue for the inferior-to-Transformers GoBots which I am pretty sure featured a robot called Bismarck that was identical to the Saber Rider version. Can anyone shed any light on the Gobot connection?

Near Death Condition - The Disembodied - In Spiritual Spheres

2011-12-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

Now that Christmas cheer is no longer getting crammed down our every orifice I feel we need to hit 'reset' here at IllCon. Maybe a nugget of techy brutal death metal with bits of doom and some synths thrown in will do the trick. Perhaps it's because the band in question is from the land of eternal neutrality--Switzerland--that they're able to toe the line of so many sub-sub-genres without seeming contrived. On their newest release, The Disembodied - In Spiritual Spheres, Near Death Condition take a shotgun blast approach to brutal death, throwing elements of Suffocation (the musicianship), Coffins (the delivery), and Morbid Angel (the riffs) at the listener and hoping something sticks. Well, almost everything sticks. Two albums into their young career I'm keeping a close eye on Near Death Condition, and so should you. Don't let the board shorts or political disposition towards neutrality fool you, these are evil motherfuckers.

Near Death Condition - The Disembodied - In Spiritual Spheres

MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Armillaria solidipes AKA The Most Metal Thing You've Ever Read

2011-12-26T09:52:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia: Armillaria solidipes (formerly Armillaria ostoyae) is a species of fungus in the Physalacriaceae family. It is the most common variant in the western U.S., of the group of species that all used to share the name Armillaria mellea. Armillaria solidipes is quite common on both hardwood and conifer wood in forests west of the Cascade crest. The mycelium attacks the sapwood and is able to travel great distances under the bark or between trees in the form of black rhizomorphs ("shoestrings").

Here's where it gets heavy:

It is known to be one of the largest living organisms, where scientists have estimated a single specimen found in Malheur National Forest in Oregon to have been growing for some 2,400 years, covering 3.4 square miles. Armillaria solidipes grows and spreads primarily underground and the bulk of the organism lies in the ground, out of sight. Therefore, the organism is not visible to anyone viewing from the surface. It is only in the autumn when this organism will bloom “honey mushrooms”, visible evidence of the organism lying beneath. Low competition for land and nutrients have allowed this organism to grow so huge and become arguably the largest living organism.

3.4 SQUARE MILES.
That's 8.9 SQUARE KILOMETRES.
That's 2,200 ACRES.
That's 94,786,560 SQUARE FEET.

Biologists estimate the weight of the colony to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 tons. That's the equivalent weight of three pregnant, adult blue whales, the world's largest known mammal.

Is your brain okay?

Maybe you should cool down by watching this video--depicting an Armillaria mellea mycelium bioluminescence display in time-lapse (condensed from one week to 18 seconds)--on repeat for a little while:

Now go 'Like' Armillaria solidipes on Facebook! (I was the third person to do so, get in now before it's "cool"!)

Don't say we never give you nuthin'

2011-12-26T09:32:00.001-08:00

Not content with finishing off my Eno series with style, verve, moxie, chutzpah and aplomb, I have also taken it upon myself to give you good good people a couple of small christmas gifts. Call it a token of our esteem from us here at the IllCon compound for it is, after all, the season of goodwill and so forth.

I did sneakily foreshadow this post in my last one, mentioning, as I did,'writing bollocks about massively overlooked bands from New Zealand' and my enthusiasm for the TV cartoon 'Adventure Time WIth Finn & Jake', so that may well give you a clue as to at least some of the content herein.

So, my first gift here- just a small one really - is an alternate version of the theme tune to 'Adventure Time'. I find the main theme to be the weakest thing about the show - far too indie and twee for my sensitive ears - so coming across this version that borders on Fancy Metal was pretty darned algebraic for me...

Now, I'm sure there'll be the usual naysayers out there slinging the 'H' word around and blah blah blah, but to those people I say 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'. You soulless cunts, you probably don't like the goddamn Muppets either, and I don't fucking trust people who don't like the goddamn Muppets.

...aaaaaand relax.

My main present is something that I'm pretty damn sure isn't currently to be found anywhere else on t'internet. That's right people, we got us an EXCLUSIVE. First, though, I gotta ask, does the name 'Shihad' mean anything to anyone?

If your answer is 'yes', then you probably already know just how damn good their first few records were and you may well already have a copy of the recording(s) that I'm about post.
However, if your answer is a no then I think you're in for a treat. Here's a wee taster to whet your whistle...

Pretty damn rockin' huh? Kinda 'Helmet-y' y'think? Hell, have another...

Yup. I dig 'em.

Both tracks come from 'Killjoy', Shihad's second LP, which was released back in 1995 and is one of my all-time favourite records.
Their debut EP 'Devolve' and their first LP, and first international release, 'Churn' (produced by Killing Joke's Jaz Coleman, fact fans!) were pretty decent, but 'Killjoy' is just a BEAST. Blessed with a rhythm section that pumps like the engine on an exceptionally fine ship-of-the-line and some right noisy guitars, 'Killjoy' totally rocks my world. Hell, those guitars that crash back in at 3.24 during 'Bitter' sound less like guitars and more like heavy steel cables lashing against one another. KILLER.

I was lucky enough to see them live on their European tour in support of 'Killjoy'- although not, alas, in their Faith No More support slot - and can wholeheartedly say that they were a fucking fantastic live band too.

As I said earlier, I haven't been able to find this posted ANYWHERE else on the internet, so consider yourselves very lucky boys and girls. I've even added the two B-sides from the 'You Again' CD Single - one of which is a cover of Bowie's 'Boys Keep Swinging' - AND the two Shihad tracks from their 'Happy Families' Split CD with fellow Kiwi lunatics Head Like A Hole. These are all from my own personal, deeply cherished, CDs so you'd damn well better appreciate 'em!

Get 'Killjoy' by Shihad Here.

Now, just before I leave you to slip further into your Turkey/Tofurkey-with-all-the-trimmings induced comas, I'd just like to add that Shihad still exist - their website can be found here - but they have done nothing of worth since their highly divisive 1996 self-titled LP, so if you decide to go digging around online after getting all fired up by 'Killjoy', don't say I didn't warn you.

ENO

2011-12-24T10:32:00.000-08:00

...and so it is that we reach the end of this series of Brian Eno posts, culminating with his 1977 album 'Before And After Science'.
It's been an epic trek, mostly uphill, but this is IT. No more. I can move on to writing bollocks about massively overlooked bands from New Zealand and how much I fucking LOVE Adventure Time With Finn And Jake. Or something.

Ironically this record also had as prolonged a gestation period as my posts, as Eno had begun moving into new musical territory after 'Another Green World' and had a great deal of difficulty in assembling the songs that would end up here. 'Before And After Science' would end up being the last overtly song-based record that Eno produced under his own name for quite some time.

1977 was also the year that Eno worked with Hans-Joachim Roedelius and Dieter Moebius, aka Cluster - begatting the superb 'Eno & Cluster' LP - and worked with David Bowie again, on the second album in his 'Berlin trilogy'- 'Heroes' - as well as making repeated overtures to Talking Heads, a band whom he had fallen in love with during their UK tour with The Ramones.

Exactly how much he wanted to work with Talking Heads is made quite clear on one album track here, entitled Kings Lead Hat, a fairly bloody obvious anagram of the bands name...

...something that worked out nicely for Eno, as he ended up producing their next three records and making a rather splendid li'l record with Heads mainman David Byrne entitled 'My Life In The Bush Of Ghosts', all four of which are amongst some of my favourite records of all time ('Fear Of Music' in particular)

The usual array of guests helped Eno to finally realise his vision here, after several false starts - the previously mentioned Roedelius and Moebius, Henry Cow guitarist Fred Frith, Can drummer and Krautrock legend Jaki Liebezeit, bassist Bill MacCormick of Matching Mole and his Quiet Sun bandmate Phil Manzanera, the ubiquitous Robert Fripp, Free drummer Andy Fraser, the ever-execrable Phil Collins and Brand X buddy Percy Jones, again, and the disembodied voice of deceased Dadaist Kurt Schwitters (on the track 'Schwitters Rejoinder' natch).

Musically, the album is split between the more upbeat, jagged sounds of the first half and the more intimate, pastoral tones of the latter, yet still manages to remain coherent and, to me, utterly gripping. I also appreciate the inherent Englishness of the line "Ooh what to do, not a sausage to do" in the bouncy 'Backwater'. Yes, we really DO say things like that. Well, I do, anyway.

Now, for MY money, the centrepiece of 'Before And After Science' is the achingly beautiful 'Julie With...', as languid and lunar a song as any you could hope to hear.

...isn't that just gorgeous?

This really is a beautiful album, tonally, and one of my favourite Eno records. I hope those of you who haven't heard it before give it a listen and enjoy it as much as I do. So, get it here and dig in.

...also, as a special treat because I've kept you waiting for so long, I've put together a package of Eno's non-album tracks - including a couple of singles and a BBC session featuring re-interpretations of tracks from 'Here Come The Warm Jets', an embryonic version of 'I'll Come Running' from 'Another Green World' and a Peggy Lee cover - which you can get here.

I've also decided to throw in a copy of The Winkies self-titled 1975 album in which they re-use the musical backing track to their version of 'The Paw-Paw Negro Blowtorch' and re-title it 'Trust In Dick', with rockin' power-pop results, just....because.

Shame about the cover though. Mind you, it does give you an idea where they got their name from....

Worldwide Metal Per Capita

2011-12-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

According to the US government there are 195 countries in the world. According to Encyclopaedia Metallum there are 135. What are the other 60 doing, if not producing metal bands? Probably still trying to figure out how to make fire, honestly.

Ask any everyday Hessian which region of the world produces the most metal and you're bound to hear Scandinavia. Well, data doesn't lie and I'm here to dig through the depths of it for your amusement and mine. I'm going to answer those burning questions like "What country produces the most metal per capita?", "Are those African cowboy metal dudes totally alone?", and "What is the best Jamaican black metal band?"

Let's start by looking at this from 10,000 feet up. Here are the top 10 countries in terms of cold, hard numbers:

Country	# of Metal Bands
US	17,006
Germany	8,083
Italy	4,690
Brazil	3,815
France	3,719
Sweden	3,368
UK	3,193
Finland	2,774
Poland	2,495
Canada	2,480

From this perspective it's pretty embarrassing for all you non-stateside Hessians out there. Is it because our GDP per capita is so great that we can afford more amps than everyone else? Absolutely not - Qatar's GDP per capita is more than twice ours and they boast only 1 metal band. Something cultural is clearly going on that I cannot quantify using data merely from Wikipedia and Encyclopaedia Metallum.

OK, so the US clearly dominates in terms of sheer number. We're kind of like the Microsoft of the metal world. Bloated and unsexy, yet present in most households. So let's look a little closer. Here's the top 10 in terms of metal parts per million* (MPPM):

Country	MPPM
Finland	514
Svalbard	417
Sweden	357
Liechtenstein	277
Norway	253
Iceland	216
Monaco	166
Faroe Islands	162
Gibraltar	135
Greece	124

(*MPPM is calculated using a series of super-proprietary methods you couldn't possibly understand, you'll just have to trust me. Actually it's just the country's population - thanks Wikipedia! I donated and you should too - divided by the number of bands listed on Encyclopaedia Metallum, times a million.)

Notice we don't even make the list? The US is actually #34 with 54 MPPM. Ouch. Canada, Croatia, and even fucking San Marino beat us out. Now we've got the little weiners and Scandinavia is laughing at them. Finland takes the cake with 514 metal bands per million inhabitants. Pretty fucking respectable.

I don't think that's much of a surprise, but... what the fuck is Svalbard doing at #2?

That's what's nice about this MPPM metric. The little guys have a chance to shine too. Svalbard is home to a whopping 2,394 permanent residents, and if you guessed it was in Scandinavia, you guessed right. There is 1 metal band in Svalbard, and their first drummer died of fucking hypothermia. Way to fucking represent, Goatskrieg.

Actually if any of you have ever considered collecting nickels or were able to stand listening to Alex Jones more than once, you probably already know about Svalbard. It is home to the Svalbard Global Seed Vault, famous for protecting 1.5 million seed species in the event of mismanagement of lesser seed vaults, equipment failures of seed vaults not trenched in permafrost, or a zombie takeover.

And Svalbard's official website boasts thusly about its nightlife:
"Restaurants and cafés offer meals based on local ingredients such as seal, whale, reindeer, grouse and arctic char. On rare occasions you may also find polar bear meat on the menu."

As such, despite being mostly veg, I'm having a fucking love affair with this permafrozen, seal-slaughtering, seed-storing expanse of land that's the Norwegian equivalent of Guam.

Anyway let's get back to it.

Scandinavia scores all the top spots, and man, that just feels right. They've pioneered extreme metal, created the most laughable music videos, made extreme metal mainstream, and continue to shell out excellent jamz. So, I congratulate you Scandinavia, you fucking deserve it.

Fuck, even Iceland touts a respectable 216 MPPM. Anybody have a favorite Icelandic metal band they'd like to share with the group?

Alright so the congratulatory awards have gone out - now who gets the raspberry awards? Let's take a look at the data.

Here are the countries tied for last place in terms of metal production (aside from those 60 who make absolutely nil). These bands have only one metal band to speak of:

Country	Only Metal Band
Svalbard	Goatskrieg
Greenland	Arctic Spirits
Barbados	Conrad
Belize	Bestial Lust
Suriname	Cross My Blessed Hands
Qatar	Asgard Legionnaires
Jamaica	Orisha Shakpana
Oman	Arabia
Laos	The Exile
Mozambique	Darkest Place
Kenya	Absence of Light
Congo	Infertile Surrogacy

This is encouraging for any bros who think they're alone in the world: no one is more alone than the bros in the bands listed above.

However the vocalist in Conrad gets around - not only is he in the first metal band in Barbados, he is also in the first metal band in Jamaica. Hats off to you, Lord Ifrit. You inspire us all.

Those listed above aren't necessarily the least-productive countries in terms of MDP (metal domestic product, obviously). We already saw that Svalbard is actually one of the top performers. So let's get down to it. Let's see who really deserves the raspberry awards.

Country	MPPM
Congo	0.01
Kenya	0.02
Myanmar	0.03
Mozambique	0.04
Uganda	0.06
India	0.09
China	0.12
Laos	0.15
Bangladesh	0.15
Egypt	0.16

Now we can clearly see that the most populous countries on our little blue rock are also among the least productive metal-wise. Shame on you, India. Shame on you, China. Though I for one am relieved that something I love is not made in China.

If I were a real statistician I would have a team of interns chasing down all this data for me, and then I would talk about biases like access to technology, and then I would run statistical models that would pinpoint the best predictors of MPPM. But I'm just a blogger and Shelby hasn't approved my request for interns yet, so I have all this pizza to myself and an almost empty glass of scotch, and the only real predictor of metal I can identify is proximity to the North Pole. And everybody knew that already anyway, so really this has just been an exercise in wasting everybody's time.

So go crank some fuckin' metal already. Try these dudes: hailing from Finland, the statistically-indisputable heartland of metal, here's the only melodic death metal band that really tickles me, Synestesia. Only Scandinavia can produce a voice so gloriously resounding and brutal as Eero Kuusisto's. MERRY CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLES!

Download / Purchase
Metallum / Last.fm

THE HOLIDAYS ARE A LONELY TIME

2011-12-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

My very first post for you fine people here at IllCon was going to be this grand opening statement about all the things I like and all the awesome things I plan on bestowing upon you. Well, I decided against that in favour of a more festive themed post.

First off, I hate Christmas. I hate all the usual things about it, the build up, the chatter about it at work, the constant rotation of Christmas songs on the radio, everything. All these things are pretty standard. My biggest gripe about Christmas is the fact that there is no escaping it in the slightest. No matter what we do, we are reminded about it wherever we go. Short of my grand master plan of having that small shack in the hills, away from civilisation, booby trapped and armed to the teeth, I don't think I will ever be able to avoid it fully. My usual plan for Christmas is barricading myself indoors alone, stocked up on booze, tunes and movies and just riding it out.

Its during these periods of being drunk by 11:30AM that you begin get a bit to involved in what's actually soundtracking your shambling, slightly destructive tour of the house. So as an early Christmas present, here is my go-to-lonely drinking album of choice, the Micheal Kamen and Eric Clapton helmed score to 1987, buddy cop, celluloid classic, Lethal Weapon.

Now, bear with me. I know Clapton is a bit out of touch these days and no one really cares who Micheal Kamen is, but I believe more than a few of us can relate to waking up in a trailer, feeling like shit and the dog needing to go out? Just like Riggs. Maybe even a smaller fraction of us can relate to having a hollow point bullet spare to do the "job right" should it come to it? Anyway, if you fall into one of these two groups then the sparse orchestral arrangements, sleazy bursts of sax and brief guitar interludes should carry you through this holiday season on your lonely chair untouched ( as long as you ignore the albums opening title track, which is just plain bad). Just keep your glass full and don't answer the door.

I'm getting to old for this Christmas shit!

Of course, you will need some visual stimulation as well. So here is my list of usual Christmas viewings.....

Now please leave me alone.

Indeed. Oliver AKA Nothing Left Inside is the newest addition to Team IllCon, and arrives with all metal credentials firmly in place (he has played with acts such as Black Mass, The Ergon Carousel, Atavist, and Narcosis, as well as writing for Die, Shellsuit, Die! and his own blog, Gonna Make The Pony Trot). Seems like a perfect fit, right? Of course.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

- Cobras

STAN BUSH HAS THE FUCKING TOUCH

2011-12-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

Take a number, ladies.

As if the guitar-slinging, golden-throated, pussy-magnet shred wizard Stan Bush needs any sort of fucking introduction. You know him, you love him, you most certainly downloaded his finest work on the 1986 Transformers OST BACK HERE, you smoke his fingernail clippings, you masturbate to the liner notes of Higher Than Angels. You fucking know who Stan Bush is.
But on the outside chance that you don't already worship at the Altar of Stan, go to his website, have a look around, then come back here, crack a Carlsberg, and party the fuck down to the dulcet tones of "The Touch" (which most poseurs would probably identify as "that song from Boogie Nights"):

Thoroughly fucking pumped? Good.
Now that the Spirit of The Stan has ungently entered your body, it's time to get down with some super-obscure Bush Trivia. Now, I know what you're thinking: you're assuming this is the part of the post where I tell you that Stan Bush is one of the few people that crossed over between real life and the Transformers universe--via the Generation One, Season 5 scene in which, at an undetermined time period following the creation of the Headmasters and Targetmasters and the seeming defeat of Galvatron and Scorponok, Powermaster Optimus Prime spends a good deal of time relating Transformers stories to the human schoolboy Tommy Kennedy. Of course, after a series of stories wherein he describes the events of the battle with Unicron, Optimus Prime has to depart to attend an interstellar peace conference in the midst of a barrage of questions from Tommy. As he is blasting off, Prime declares "But until I return, I leave you with 'The Touch'!" Following this, the music video for "The Touch" begins, giving Stan his rare entrance into the fantastical realm of Transformers lore. This unprecedented appearance is also important when you consideHOLY FUCK THERE'S A LAZER COMING OUT OF HIS GUITAR.

But you guys all knew that shit already. I'm going deep on this one, into previously undiscovered regions of Bush Arcana. I will apologize in advance for your blown mind, for by the time you've finished reading this post you will be absolutely done for the day--no longer able to process any sort of information whatsoever.

I'll give it to you as quickly and bluntly as I know how:

In 2009, Stan Bush recorded a "re-imagining" of "The Touch" for the live-action sequel Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, a hella sick Linkin Park ~~inspired~~ rip-off gem which fuses the seemingly unconnected worlds of simpering 80's wuss-rock and post-90's rap-metal. No further introduction is needed.

~~Enjoy~~ Listen:

Needless to say, director Michael Bay rejected the song outright, leaving Bush to post it, forgotten, like a sad bunk sock hanging from an inner-city clothesline, on his own website. Until today, that is.

Sorry for raping all of your childhoods once again. My bad.

Thanks to Doan at the illustrious Kissing Contest podcast for alerting me to the existence of this timeless jam. Kill yourself.

BACK IN BLACK (a rebellion of sorts)

2011-12-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

Dude! Back in Black?! Micro-brew in a can?! Hell yeah! Now that's metal! The name is obviously taken from the song of the same title and while the Aussie heavy weight rockers themselves (AC/DC) may not be considered exactly "metal", shit man this beer’s name is more than appropriate for times like these - it is the Solstice after all (the longest night of the year)!

Those who live in the City (i.e. San Francisco) will undoubtedly be familiar with this particular type of beer since its brewed by 21st Amendment Brewery which is located in SF off 2nd Street. The beer itself comes in metal not glass. Yes good aluminum cans -- not your weak, shit-lined aluminum cans that you usually get from Oly, Coors, Miller, or Pabst -- so as to withstand some heavy drinking (I've inadvertently dropped a can or two and they have survived to tell the story).
Good beer in good cans = good drinking! Right?
(In my professional opinion, all beer should come in cans but that's probably just the hippie in me talking)

According to 21^st Amendment, Back In Black is “inspired by Paul Revere's midnight ride, we rebelled against the British style IPA, embraced the more aggressive American version and then recast it in bold, brave, defiant black. Our Black IPA is a Declaration of Independence from the tyranny of the expected... Brewed like an American IPA but with the addition of rich, dark malts, this beer has all the flavor and hop character you expect with a smooth, mellow finish.”

Huh? Say what? Hold on let me get another beer...

Basically Back In Black is a "black IPA". It's an American-styled IPA that has been brewed with traditional top fermenting ale yeast and hopped with Columbus hops, brewed with Rahr Pale, Crystal, Munich, and De-bittered Black malts; it has been dry-hopped with Centennial and Simcoe hops thus resulting in 65 IBUS. Its alcohol content is 6.8% by volume, so it’s still drinkable but low enough that a six-pack of it won’t get you entirely hammed. Basically it’s black in color, tastes like a hoppy stout but with the consistency of an IPA or pale ale and is more epic than that bier stein that your grandpa gave you last Christmas, sort of like this one here:

(I have a sudden urge to put on some Sacred Steel for some odd reason)

So why am I doing a post on beer you ask? Well I did do a brief post on a couple tasty and well-known beers not too long ago but it was centered around the music namely. To me, beer and music go hand in hand. Also now that I'm officially on "winter break" laziness has settled in and I couldn't come up with anything better to write about.

No, I'm kidding of course! Well, OK. Sort of...

Seriously though, this time around I figured I’d try something new on y'all. I wanted to share with you something that I enjoy – in the holiday spirit, of course. Plus, this beer rules and I have been drinking massive amounts of it recently and I think you should too! (I’m the Devourer of Spirits after all, so I must live up to my name I guess).
See, I'm all about this can-revolution that's been sweeping the micro-brew world recently. I think glass bottles are inefficient and using recycled aluminum is much more cost-effective than recycled glass bottles. More breweries should be looking into this option in my opinion... More on this another time perhaps.
Anyways, Back In Black is a great beer! I highly recommend it. It's got the best of both worlds (Stout meets IPA) and it gets you hammered! Incredible, I must say...
I realize that this beer may not be for everyone but 21st Amendment has other ales that they can also, and many other breweries are picking up the idea as well. It's almost like a rebellion of sorts!

In the spirit of rebellion, in which this beer was supposedly made, there’s nothing like listening to some dark, grim, incoherent, rebellious American Black Metal while downing a couple of these tasty brews on the eve of the Winter Solstice. So on that note, and in the spirit of keeping things traditional music-wise here at IllCon, I’ll share with you a link to some of the music I’ve been supposedly listening to while I have been rambling on here. Yes, I put together a mix of mp3s for y'all to enjoy. Lucky you!
(I guess this is my Christmas present to all of you but whatever you do, please don't call it a "mixtape" - that would just be unforgivable):

Judas Iscariot - Heaven In Flames
Nachtmystium - My Vengeance
Leviathan - Summoning Lupine
Valdur - Wound Fires In The Afterlife
Elk - Blood Under Stone
Unholy Crucifix - Desecration Priest
Miasmic - Gravemoss
Xasthur - Keeper of Sharpened Blades (And Ominous Fates)
Ash Borer - Untitled (Fell Voices/Ash Borer split)
Fog - By This Axe We Rule
Krieg - Sick Winds Stir The Cold Dawn
Weakling - No One Can Be Called As A Man While He'll Die
Nightbringer - Upturning the Seventh Chalice
Blackgoat - The Black Goat
Hemlock - Loyal To Evil
(NOTE: All of these bands can be found on Encyclopaedia Metallum
and via their respective websites)

Cheers!

For more info on Back In Black and 21st Amendment Brewery's other ales, check out their website at:
http://21st-amendment.com/

Contact your local distributor to see if they can carry their beer
(if we can get it here in bum-fuck-egypt-Humboldt County, you'll likely be able too)
or if you're visiting SF, stop by the brewery itself!

Remember to drink responsibly!

Oh, and Happy Holidays and such!
(or Holidaze if you prefer)

My Stoopid 2011 List

2011-12-21T17:34:00.000-08:00

Year end lists...who's got time to read 'em, let alone write 'em? Do you follow The Long Way Home yet? No? What the fuck is WRONG with you? Homeboy assembled the most comprehensive metal year-end list ever. It's funny, insightful, and encyclopedic. Fucking mandatory reading.

Your humble writer, on the other hand, mustered a measly top five. This is attributable to holiday-onset ennui (fuck Christmas obviously), business (fuck the end of the fiscal year AMIRITE?), and the fact other year-end lists out there (see above) already destroy mine.

Here's to 2011 I GUESS. It was an OK year for metal.

Not posting links. You've got Google on your computer too.

5) Obscura - Omnivium (apogee of modern tech DM)
4) Mournful Congregation - Book of Kings (see this)
3) Absu - Abzu (all that is Good in one concise, perfect package)
2) Obsequiae - Suspended in the Brume of Eos (no surprise considering the pedigree. reinventing BM is no small feat in an oversaturated market)
1) Atriarch - Forever the End (Atriarch destined for world domination #realtalk)

BONUS: Top 5 albums on everyone's list I didn't get.

5) Autopsy - Macabre Eternal (mandatory pot-stirring selection - return to form? not hearing it)
4) Tombs - Path of Totality (i mean yeah it's good but really everyone?)
3) The Atlas Moth - An Ache for the Distance (ima pro-lo fanboy as much as the next dude but sorry this is just weeeeeeeak)
2) Disma - Towards the Megalith (i count at least 5 records that did the Swedish DM revival thing better than them)
1) Krallice - Diotima (nothing worked for me on this release, not the least of which was the vocals, extra-ugh)

SEASONS GREETINGS

CARL ORFF - CARMINA BURANA (1937)

2011-12-16T15:45:00.000-08:00

Metal? Really?
You mean to tell me you haven't evolved beyond that childish, chest-pounding foolishness yet?
There are vaster, brighter horizons to behold, aural transmissions far deeper and more meaningful. Metal is dead, Orff has murdered it.

Bows will chug, gutteral roars will erupt from battle-weary lungs. The clanging of sabre on iron shield, a challenge issued to God Himself. Thunderous screams as hammer strikes string, fists clenching weapons as Death marches forth on a winter tempest.

Metal? Orff scoffs at the idea.

Wikipedia: "In the mid-1920s Orff began to formulate a concept he called "elementare Musik", or elemental music, which was based on the unity of the arts symbolized by the ancient Greek Muses (who gave music its English name) and involved tone, dance, poetry, image, design, and theatrical gesture. Like many other composers of the time he was influenced by the Russian-French émigré Igor Stravinsky. But while others followed the cool, balanced "neoclassic" works of Stravinsky, it was works like the composer's Les noces (The Wedding), a pounding, quasi-folkloric evocation of prehistoric wedding rites, that appealed to Orff. He also began adapting musical works of earlier eras for contemporary theatrical presentation, including Claudio Monteverdi's opera L'Orfeo (1607). Orff's German version, Orpheus, was staged in 1925 in Mannheim, Germany, under Orff's direction, using some of the instruments that had been used in the original 1607 performance. The passionately declaimed opera of Monteverdi's era was almost unknown in the 1920s, however, and Orff's production met with reactions ranging from incomprehension to ridicule.

Orff's relationship with German fascism and the Nazi Party has been a matter of considerable debate and analysis. His Carmina Burana was hugely popular in Nazi Germany after its premiere in Frankfurt in 1937. Given Orff's previous lack of commercial success, the monetary factor of Carmina Burana's acclaim was significant to him. But the composition, with its unfamiliar rhythms, was also denounced with racist taunts. He was one of the few German composers under the Nazi regime who responded to the official call to write new incidental music for A Midsummer Night's Dream after the music of Felix Mendelssohn had been banned – others refused to cooperate in this. Defenders of Orff note that he had already composed music for this play as early as 1917 and 1927, long before this was a favour for the Nazi government.

Orff was a friend of Kurt Huber, one of the founders of the resistance movement Die Weiße Rose (the White Rose), who was condemned to death by the Volksgerichtshof and executed by the Nazis in 1943. Orff by happenstance called at Huber's house on the day after his arrest. Huber's distraught wife begged Orff to use his influence to help her husband, but Orff denied her request. If his friendship with Huber came out, he told her, he would be "ruined". Huber's wife never saw Orff again. Wracked by guilt, Orff would later write a letter to his late friend Huber, imploring him for forgiveness."

Carl Orff: Nazi-sympathizing douchebag asshole? Yes. Genius? Yes. More METAL than Cannibal Corpse fistfucking the mesh-shirted corpse of Dave Vincent? You better fucking believe it, Nancy.

O Fortuna, despite its omnipresence in modern society/pop culture, remains one of the most METAL pieces of music to ever exist before the actual existence of "metal" (see Excalibur), and the larger work from which it is taken, Carmina Burana (more info on the original artifact HERE), is a fist-pumping, overtly Satanic ode to all things violent, epic, and brutal.

Metal? I fart in your general direction.

(Then again, if you must bask in that lowly genre, I suggest you go check out ARCHSPIRE.)

"circle pit"

Get Orff's best-known (and most powerful) work, Carmina Burana, here:

O Fortune,
variable
as the moon,
always dost thou
wax and wane.
Detestable life,
first dost thou mistreat us,
and then, whimsically,
thou heedest our desires.
As the sun melts the ice,
so dost thou dissolve
both poverty and power.
Monstrous
and empty fate,
thou, turning wheel,
art mean,
voiding
good health at thy will.
Veiled
in obscurity,
thou dost attack
me also.
To thy cruel pleasure
I bare my back.
Thou dost withdraw
my health and virtue;
thou dost threaten
my emotion
and weakness
with torture.
At this hour,
therefore, let us
pluck the strings without
delay.
Let us mourn together,
for fate crushes the brave.

Amen.

PS:

Tonight 10pm-midnight HERE.
Call in (415) 829-2980.

Wartorn - Tainting Tomorrow With the Blood of Yesterday (2008)

2011-12-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

I kinda got into punk accidentally, and this is the album that did it. Eight months ago I was on the internets looking for the Wartorn from England, the one with Rich Walker from Solstice and Jim Whitley from Napalm Death as I recall. I never found the English guys but I did find the the vid for "Aftermath of a Severed World" by Wisconsin crusties Wartorn:

This band alone changed my mind on punk. The good music and competent musicianship clashed with my ideas of what punk was. Growing up what passed for "punk" was Green Day and Hatebreed and I instinctively stayed away from that Hot Topic shit and until about eight months ago that was still my opinion of punk. After this album I see that punk is not a shitty half-ass genre created to sell clothing and let middle schoolers think that they are rebellious. Now I know that punk is vibrant and legitimate genre that's worth some of my precious time and hardrive space.

Musically crust as fuck, with plenty of d-beats, some Sabbathy riffs and some killer leads in the vein of Japanese bands like Aggressive Dogs and Enslave. Nothing gets me pumped like a good guitar harmony. Excellent drumming throughout, and there's some decent acoustic/soft stuff goin on as well. Vocals are standard shouts with the standard liberal arts blah blah #politics. Their first album had better song titles like "Wal-Martyr" and "Stillborn Again Christian." but the music is way better on this one. Two steppin is still retarded though.

Government funded privilege should be a human right/Intolerance for pre-existing condition, bleeds life dry

Anybody know anything about the British ones?

Blue Öyster Cult - s/t (1972)

2011-12-13T15:16:00.000-08:00

And you may be wondering to yourself why you should give this a chance. A reader of this fine blog, obviously worldly and well-schooled by their choice of internet diversion, probably thinks they know the score. But seriously, forget whatever associations you may have picked up over the years. Forget “Godzilla”. Forget the accrued distaste classic rock can leave in a young punk or metalhead in the middle of nowhere, when such things are deemed normative and your Morbid Angel or Dead Kennedys t-shirt is seen as an indicator of the worst sin imaginable: that of difference. And for fuck's sake, forget Christopher Walken and cowbells. Forget all these things and the genius of the first Blue Öyster Cult record can make its grandeur known to you (well, really any BÖC from the '70s is pretty killer, but the first one is heads and tails beyond any of 'em).

Consider:

The use of umlauts in a band name – How many rock bands did this before BÖC? I can count on a closed fist. How many did it after? Couldn't count on all the fingers in the world.

The band's name itself – taken from a poem by manager Sandy Pearlman referencing a group of aliens who secretly control Earth's affairs.

The band's logo – taken from an alchemical symbol denoting lead (the heaviest of metals).

The (unsubstantiated but hopefully true) rumor that, during the early '90s the band's popularity had plunged to the point where their show guarantee was $200. I've seen bands play living rooms and get paid more than that. Meaning, that at one point in time, it was conceivable that Blue Öyster Cult could have played your living room. They didn't. And probably wouldn't. But it's closer to the realm of possibility than with many comparable bands.

Alchemy? Aliens guiding mankind's destiny? Umlauts? I'm actually surprised this record hasn't gotten any coverage on Illcon before. Theirs is a weird shadow world, a world of Satanic biker gangs (“Transmaniacon MC”), of drug deals gone fatally wrong (“Then Came The Last Days Of May” - apparently based on the murder of three of singer Buck Dharma's friends [and let's consider that name for a minute – how many rock and roll frontmen had a name that was a play on words regarding the transcendence of several religions' concept of universal harmony and balance? It's fucking brilliant in a way that such showbiz rechristenings pretty much never are]), of the power of music as destroyer (“Cities On Flame With Rock And Roll”) and redeemer (“Redeemed”). And then along the way a few detours into bondage-inclined Canadian Mounties, astrological/alchemical musings, and what seems to be a paean to violent foot fetishism.

This.

It can be difficult to understand how to take this weird cross-pollination of ideas. It could be that they were simply trying to move past the initial era when rock and roll had to mean something (maaaaan), before the conceptual side of the music that had started so innocently bloated up into prog rock's worst excesses. But I like to think that there was a more unified vision at work, a manifestation of the dark turn that the era of peace and love had taken by 1972. Perhaps not exactly a literal representation (though much of the drug-related material seems to have had some basis in the tangible world) but an extrapolated vision of star-crossed losers, the ones who had cast their lot with the aspiring world-changers and had come up radically short. It's an almost Pynchonian narrative, a nebulous cluster of ideas in which connecting lines are not drawn for the listener, one that might seem like a forced, inchoate melange of weird-for-weird's-sake iconography if it weren't for the fact that it's treated with some degree of gravity.

Not this. Never this.

While BÖC was intended to be the American Black Sabbath, rarely did their debut album indulge in that kind of heaviness (“Cities On Flame...” is about as close as it comes). Instead, the band showcases a musical versatility that their later albums lack. There are a few musical detours, some jaunty, syncopated lounge jazz rhythmic devices, some lead guitar work that almost sounds like it could've come from a Buck Owens song – but the real heaviness is a sort of slow and eerie atmosphere that sounds like the sonic equivalent of a lava lamp and a black light, Sabbathian only in the sense that it's not far removed from “Planet Caravan.”

So let the good name of Blue Öyster Cult be clearly understood. Scour the dollar bins for copies of this record (but don't pay more than five dollars, if you do you're almost as foolish as somebody who doesn't own the album at all). Let rock and roll raze our cities and let the messages of lust and derangement guide our puny lives as our alien overlords had so obviously intended.

Blue Öyster Cult -s/t

Seance - Saltrubbed Eyes (1993)

2011-12-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

A sort of white elephant in the Swedish death metal scene, Seance didn't seem to fit in with the rest of their countrymen. While the rest of the country was turning all the knobs on their HM-2s all the way up, Seance were aping Deicide. Their debut, Fornever Laid to Rest, though decent, is just not as good as Glenn n crew.

Seance must have realized this cuz one year later they came out with this filthy beast of an album. The first thing you notice about Saltrubbed Eyes is the bass sound. It's phat az phuk. Since everybody likes to use weapon analogies to describe the guitar sounds like "buzzsaw," "chainsaw" or "laser beam," I'll say that it sounds like a baseball bat covered in razor blades, because it does as much damage by cutting as crushing. It has a perfect combination of low end, treble and distortion, the closest comparison I can think of is the bass sound on The Erosion of Sanity, but better. On top of that it's LOUD in the mix, so much that it dominates the album. The bass sound on Saltrubbed Eyes becomes its defining feature. It's like the whole album is a sick bass drop.

Which isn't to say the music isn't good, it is. Still heavily Deicide influenced but slower and groovier. The band is branching out, evidenced on the menacing "Angelmeat pt II" and "Hidden Under Scars." Also since the bass sound is so strong, the mix doesn't need the guitars to support it, allowing the guitars to do their own thing now and then. Some times they drop in and out of a riff, do an open chord while the bass plays the riff or go for their own leads in addition to the bass part. Drums are well played, with a great sound: nice and loud bass drums with enough pop to stand out but not klickety-klakety.

Seance broke up a couple of years later, and members went on to form Witchery,Satanic Slaughter and The Haunted. They got back together a few years back, and recorded a new album Awakening of the Gods, which is surprisingly good, but not as good as this.

Chopped up and desecrated/Severed and mutilated/Bone grinding and death machine/Skin peeled and left to bleed

LEECHMILK - STARVATION OF LOCUSTS (2000)

2011-12-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

Buried Treasure Alert!

Atlanta, Georgia's LEECHMILK never made much of a mark on the "international sludge scene" (whatever that is), but their particular brand of doom-laden, Southern-fried, sample-heavy Eyehategod-meets-Iron Monkey-meets-Boulder misanthropy was some of the highest-quality shit to surface in that musical Dead Zone known as the late-90's-to-early-oughts, and Starvation of Locusts surpasses just about anything that like-minded bands were doing at the time. It's a hate-filled, drug-fueled monster of an album, and avoids the common pratfall of most masturbatory "doom/sludge metal" by keeping song lengths within the two-and-a-half-to-five-minute zone (except for the seven-minute album closer "Descending", which is largely composed of experimental/repetitive noise sampling). There is plenty to be fond of here, but if I had to narrow it down, I'd say the main selling points for me are the creepy-as-fuck opening sample (lifted from THX 1138--see this post on Ojorojo for another band that used this clip well), the over-the-top screechy vocals, the millipedal-caveman drumming, and the fact that this album contains the unimaginably-brilliant song title "Whiskey Nipple". This shit is just fucking epic, crushing, wholly bleak and devoid of any hope whatsoever. It makes me nostalgic for my early 20's.

Download HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

PS: IllCon Radio goes live once again 10pm to midnight right HERE. Tonight we've got a lady on the show who wrote a book about trucker ghost stories (hot off an interview on Coast To Coast AM!), so make sure and check that shit out. The number? 415-829-2980.
Y'all know what to do.

WHAT'S THE STORY, WISHBONE?

2011-12-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

COOL STORY BRO.

Too much fucking metal on IllCon these days. Anyone remember Prog Blog Wednesdays? Fuckin' A. That shit was chill as fuck. I think everyone just needs to light up a giant hooter and tune in to some of this shit:

"Metal". Psshhht.

WISHBONE ASH (1970)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

PILGRIMAGE (1971)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

ARGUS (1972)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Website/Last.FM

PS: Did you idiots know that Stephen Hawking himself visited Illogical Contraption Radio last Friday? Or that he was chair-pitting at an Anal Cunt concert at Gilman in '88? Get caught up:

Almost as good as that time Michael Dorn called in, right?

The Northland Rules Supreme with the True Kings of The Heathen People

2011-12-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Scheiße! It's been over a fortnight since I have graced IllCon with my presence it appears. I do sincerely apologize!

You see, I can't help it. I'm a student. And as many of you may be well aware out there, us students - those in the CSU system of "education" at least - are in the throes of finishing last minute projects, papers, assignments; we are finally getting around to visiting our instructors during their office hours; we're pleading, no screw that, we're begging to be given some extra credit to make up for that one time we inadvertently slept through a scheduled class meeting and as a result didn't turn in that supposed assignment; we're in the throes of burning in hellfire and getting swallowed up by the misfortune of poorly made decisions and late night booze-benders...

Wait?! What the @#$% am I talking about??

Basically finals are next week. Excuses, excuses... I know.

Hey, I've been busting my ass the last two weeks trying to put this semester behind me. I have been running off coffee and vitamin water, burritos and ramen, and trying to squeeze in a nap or two whenever possible. So cut me some slack alright?!

That said, I will keep this post brief considering the circumstances.

So what's new in Aegipan's world you ask? In between these academic excursions of mine, random black outs while raging it at the bar, and trying my best to avoid the brown-bottle flu, I have been trying to stay warm. Seriously, I mean it's been freezing-ass cold! Even for up here in remote, bum-fuck-egypt-Humboldt County! I mean, I don't mind the cold generally and usually have a good tolerance for it but part of my problem recently has been it's been too friggin' cold - too cold even to get out of bed! It just makes you want to stay in bed, spike some hot cocoa, and cuddle up with that teddy bear your ex-girlfriend got you a couple Christmases ago while watching reruns of Law & Order.

NOTE: I'm talking Criminal Intent and none of that bullshit "Special Victims Unit" crap...
...I mean detectives Wheeler and Eames are smoking! Who wouldn't want to be arrested by either?

It's been so damned cold that I have reverted to listening to some cold, grim, Norwegian Black Metal as of late. It may not get as cold here as it does in Norway, true, but you get my point.
Recently whilst rummaging through my collection the other evening I came across this but since it is already featured here on IllCon, and mainly to avoid redundancy, I thought I'd share this instead:

Stay true.

As a special treat, and in part for my lack of posts recently but mainly because I favor the Immortal tracks most on this compilation, I thought I'd share this also:

Stay heathen.

Metallum / Last.FM

Stay cold.

Jester Beast - Destroy After Use (1988)

2011-12-06T14:50:00.000-08:00

Anybody who's ever tried to start a band knows that one of the most difficult parts is finding a name that's halfway decent and hasn't been taken. It's a daunting proposition, and there are definitely some really great bands who have been marred with shitty names (coughcoughWeekendNachoscoughcough). It really is a shame when a great band is marred with a name that elicits the “no, but really they're actually good” defenses and one of the prime offenders that I've found is Turin, Italy's Jester Beast.

I'm not entirely sure what a “jester beast” would be exactly. Some sort of clown-painted bear? A juggling shark? A dragon that makes balloon animals? It kinda sounds like something that would adorn a black light poster in Spencer Gifts, but that doesn't really clear much up. Nor does the name really fall under the band-naming approach of juxtaposing two or three cool-sounding words regardless of their meaning - “beast” is pretty overused in metal, and clowns, while they may be scary, aren't scary in a particularly metal sort of way. Just because something's creepy or unsettling doesn't mean it needs to be a metal band's name. I fear growing old and dying unloved in some nursing home that smells of urine while an ex-felon nurse is stealing my medication but I don't think Geriatric Abandonment would be a very good band name.

Appellations aside, If you catch Jester Beast at the right point in their existence, they were fucking killer. Their first appearance, a song on 1983's Heavy Metal Made In Italy, sounded like a slightly punk-ish Motley Crue and their first full-length, 1991's Poetical Freakscream (which sounds like a fucking Spin Doctors album title) was pretty standard Anthrax worship, polished and competently performed but lacking any qualities that separated them from the six billion other bands trying to sound like Anthrax in 1991. However, in the years between those two releases, the band put out the Destroy After Use demo which remains one of the best crossover releases that has ever been committed to tape.

This, of course, isn't saying much. Most crossover lacked hardcore's acerbic brevity and metal's dark intensity, treading water in a middle ground of flip-brimmed baseball caps and puffy hi-top Nikes. Jester Beast's demo, however, sounds like some alternate musical universe where DRI and COC got more vicious and frantic with the incorporation of metal rather than turning into shitty thrash-lite or cornball Southern rock (respectively). If all the crossover bands took a page out of the Hellhammer book instead of trying to be the next Metallica, there would be a shitload more bands that managed the frantic brutality of Jester Beast in their prime.

Italy had a strong scene for heavier music during this period, whether metal (Death SS, Dark Quarterer) or punk (Raw Power, Cheetah Chrome Motherfuckers) and while Jester Beast may not have attained the notoriety garnered by many of their contemporaries - though apparently they did have members of hardcore bands like Declino and Negazione and had played shows with Morbid Angel and Cro-Mags amongst others – their demo holds up far better than pretty much any band from the era that attempted to bridge the divide between hardcore and metal.

Would a Jester Beast by any other name thrash as hard? Sometimes we must look past the obvious if we are to find something greater, more pure and terrifying. It may be easy to dismiss a band like this based on name alone (just like it may be easy to harp on them for their terrible-ass name), but their music claws from under the corpse-pile of forgotten metal bands, incapable of being forgotten by anybody who has devoted any effort or time to this means of expression.

Jester Beast - Destroy After Use

Naked Aggression

2011-12-05T13:46:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a small town in southern New Mexico where there was almost nothing to do. Small towns everywhere are like that, and like many social misfits in small towns across the United States (and elsewhere I imagine) I took solace in music that expressed my bitterness and misanthropy. With little else to do I often browsed the music catalogues at my friend's record shop looking for anything categorized under the genre "punk".
So it was that one day I stumbled across two bands in the "N" section and ordered their albums. The more significant of these (to me) was Naked Aggression's Bitter Youth. (Negative Approach was good too, but I really appreciate the radical political content of the former) Although there were some preceding split 7" and EP's Bitter Youth was the first of this Madison, WI anarcho-punk bands full-length LP's and sports a raw urgency to go along with it's radical politics. Plus it has what I think is one of the best punk-rock record covers of all time.

5 Years, a number of recordings later, and now based in California, they released Gut Wringing Machine. It was a further development of their sound and, contrary to the pattern of most punk bands, actually faster and more politically savvy than prior albums. Unfortunately it was also the tragic end of Naked Aggression for shortly after the release of Gut Wringing Machine the bands primary songwriter and accomplished guitarist, Phil Suchomel died. One would think this was the end for Naked Aggression, I did, but apparently not. As I was revisiting these albums yet again recently I did a little research and apparently after a number of years hiatus, the band reformed with some new crew and released some new material before going "dormant" again. We shall see...

Buy Some Bitter Youth

Bitterness

The track listing is a little off on this, but the songs are there and easy to sort out.

Buy Some Gut Wringing Machine

Wringer

MySpace
Wikipedia

Sunday Night Blues is an Acute Condition

2011-12-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

Dang, Sunday night already? That means work for most of us IllCon slobs except for Cobras who lives exclusively off Apocryphon royalties, and school for a not-insignificant segment of the IllCon workforce. Lucky for you, I've culled a trifecta of newish death metal newish releases to kick off your week. The first, The Virally Enthroned's Catharsis, a pitch perfect tech-death effort crafted by your five younger cousins apparently, if their metal-archives photo is any indication. I mean yeah, they may need some image work but I'm a little surprised there isn't more chatter about this band. I guess I shouldn't make fun too hard because this band photo could probably double as a snap of an IllCon staff meeting.

The second, a tardcore slamfest by a Belgian band who decided to call itself Putrified J; I love any band whose name looks like a typo. Putrified J is not to be confused with Putrified, whose debut LP, Spawn of the Dead, just dropped recently and just so happens to shred (evidence to follow). Putrified J has been making the rounds lately on some of those other metal blogs you read, and for good reason. Not only are they giving their album away for free - total bro move - but their low-threshold brutal slamz are just the thing you need to ease into this week and the holiday season that is well nigh near. 12 tracks in under 20 minutes makes this the perfect substitute for your Quiet Storm: Slow Jams tape when it goes missing. Putrified J get bonus points for proclaiming on Facebook that THIS SHIT WONT EVER STOP AND U CANNOT MAKE US!

Truth.

Virally Enthroned - Catharsis

Putrified - Spawn of the Dead

Putrified J - The Last Harvest

Gehenna - Negotium Perambulans In Tenebris

2011-12-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

In a previous post, Cobras kicked over a trio of albums by Gehenna – the Norwegian one, the one with keyboards – and gave a fleeting mention to the other Gehenna. Now I don't know how his taste in these things lies specifically, but the other Gehenna, the American one with no keyboards or corpse paint, was always my preferred variant. I'm not gonna do some blow-by-blow comparison of the two, that'd just be a rotten apples-to-rotten oranges situation (though apparently iTunes can't keep the two straight) , but I'll let my choice in Gehennas stand on its own merit.

When I was getting into hardcore and punk in the mid-90s, there was some really killer shit out there, but little of it could touch the bleak mean-spiritedness of Gehenna. Theirs was a fearsome rumble, lacking an exact point of reference. It was heavy as shit, generally fast, and dark as fuck. One can pick out hints of Hellhammer or other proto-death metal bands, but the delivery was far too stripped-down to align itself that strongly with metal. It often got lumped in with the “Holy Terror hardcore” sound – Integrity, Starkweather, et. al. - but was far rougher sounding, eschewing the tough guy vibe of the former and the artiness of the latter (though I do love both bands) in favor of a succession of short, blunt explosions. While the two bands didn't really sound alike, Gehenna sometimes reminds me of Rorschach, in the sense that both bands melded fairly disparate strands of metal and hardcore without falling into the dreaded metalcore trap. It was hostility embodied and it laid waste most other bands that tried to use negativity and edginess as some pose.

Theirs was an existence clouded in rumor and innuendo, with stories of their sketchiness abounding. Growing up in a small town in Virginia, I was pretty far from the thick of things, but tales about the band all being homeless, about them not owning instruments, about singer Mike Cheese stabbing somebody all came down the pipe at some point. One could also call to mind the story of a more recent reunion show where everybody but Mike Cheese quit a week before the show, and rather than tell anybody, he let the show go on and in lieu of a performance, he walked out onstage in front of a sizable crowd, sat down, smoked a joint, ate a burrito, then left. I couldn't attest to the veracity of any of this (though in the days of acquiring albums by sending well-concealed cash, Gehenna's was the first album I never received in return for my hard-earned lawn mowing money), but I can speak for the ferocity of the band's music.

I can't say whether Illcon readers will prefer this to the Euro Gehenna, so to at least bridge the gap a little bit, I included a link to their most metallically-titled release (also the only full-length that's out of print), 2000's Negotium Perambulans In Tenebris, a raging chunk of churning, blackened hardcore that lays waste pretty much any band attempting this particular style. I'm thankful that this band is still putting out albums, but I'm even more thankful that they've sacrificed none of the brutality that made them an unstoppable force in the first place.

Gehenna - Negotium Perambulans In Tenebris

BALLS!

2011-12-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

HEY, Seattle! Go to this benefit for my nephew TANNOTH that had a hernia while thrashing around at the recent Unhalted Genocide show. He literally shit his guts into his nuts. Like, totally not joking, his intestines are in his scrotum.

THREE SPELLS

2011-12-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, I didn't realize until just now that today is IllCon's three-year anniversary. Nice. What did you fuckers get me?

Nothing? Awesome.
Well, I got you three albums from Norway's own Gehenna (no, not that one), purveyors of only the finest elven/witchy/Dracula-based black metal that country has to offer. Are you into cheesy, mid-paced, mid-90's, synth-laden forest troll music played by a bunch of dudes (and a chick) wearing capes and shit? Good! Gehenna will be right up your alley, casting forth a etherial web of faerie magick to ensnare all your wildest Ren Faire fantasies! A little too "Opera Man" for you? Tough shit, man. Sometimes corny-ass Ouija board metal with the keyboards turned up way too loud is just what the Hessian soul needs, so far be it from me to deprive you of such Narnian majesties.
Three fucking years, man. Jesus.

FIRST SPELL EP (1994)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

SEEN THROUGH THE VEILS OF DARKNESS (THE SECOND SPELL) (1995)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

MALICE (OUR THIRD SPELL) (1996)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

LOL

Metallum/Last.FM

PS check out this new logo I designed for Illogical Contraption Radio:

I'M A FUCKING GENIUS.

HAIL TO THE KING THAT NEVER WAS!!!

2011-11-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

I think Steve Delchin is my new hero.

COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

2011-11-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Old news from CNET UK (April 1, 2010):

A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

(MORE ABOUT THIS SUBJECT)

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

This isn't the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so "abhorrent" that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.

(MORE ABOUT THIS SUBJECT)

Professor Brian Cox, a CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. "Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn't mention bloody black holes."

“Doc, I’ve got something important to show you from the future.”

Big ups to JGD over at The Living Doorway for the scoop.

Dead Reptile Shrine - A Journey Through the Darkest of Forests (2005)

2011-11-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

Sure, you're already an expert in Finnish Death Metal by now, but Finnish Black Metal? Not so much. These a Beast kicked it off with the post below mine. I invite you to continue your vision quest with Dead Reptile Shrine. Hammer Smashed Sound turned me on to em a few months ago and their spot in the rotation is pretty secure at the moment.

So yeah Dead Reptile Shrine. The base is sloppy, raw, primitive black metal. The tempos drag and sometimes forget a beat here or there. Suddenly, there is a techno song that makes no apologies for its derivative, lazy nature (Illud Divinum Insanus this is not) even though it's patently bad. Then, you get a riff that sounds like you did when you got your first electric - just a series of fourths (one finger, two strings, same fret) up and down the neck. You get primordial chants, flutes, and ogres lurking in the brume. You get straight-up d-beat bangers. Not infrequently do you wonder whether the haphazard performances are intentional or symptomatic of a talent deficit. This is Black Metal Roky Erickson.

Over at The Left Hand Path, Todd DePalma describes their sound thusly: "The Fernow-esque gold plated cock-in-socket fumbling manufacturing death moans, gulag dances, and clunky faux-percussion, which explodes like rows of compressed air-canisters." Sure, it's not a complete sentence, but it says enough.

Dead Reptile Shrine - A Journey Through the Darkest of Forests

Enochian Crescent - Black Church (2006)

2011-11-28T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today's the first day in 2 weeks I've had a free moment to write, and when I'm done I'm going to reward myself by opening up Skyrim and saying goodbye to family, friends, and my new job for 200 hours.

Before I do that I'm going to present to you Enochian Crescent. They're popular enough to have their own misheard lyrics video (an honor I thought was only bestowed upon balless, soulless, spiritless, corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock like Fallout Boy), but I've never heard a peep about them stateside.

Hailing from Finland, these dudes shot into the Finnish limelight in 1997 after the singer sliced himself up on stage so badly that he was hospitalized. Maybe not such a rare occurrence except that in this case they were opening up for Emperor, who refused to play until someone cleaned up all the blood. As a result they got a pretty sweet record deal. Cheers, bros.

Actually, the dudes seem to have quite a following back home. In 2006 they were nominated for Band of the Year (lost to Children of Boredom) and Album of the Year (lost to Mokoma's Kuoleman laulukunnaat... wha?) for their album Black Church. Nominated by whom? The Finnish Metal Awards.

Yea, Finland has their own awards show for metal. Pretty cool, right? But as founding member Karri Suoraniemi said in an interview for Promised Land of Heavy Metal, "Mainstream and rebellion are incompatible," and what's extreme metal without rebellion?

What happens when extreme metal becomes mainstream? Girls start showing up to metal parties, that's what.

Anyway enough pontificating, let's get to the fucking metal:

Without further ado I give you 2006's Black Church, which stood as the band's comeback full-length after a 5 year hiatus. They fall under the black metal umbrella, but they're getting a little wet. Upside down crosses? Check. Shrieking vocals? Check. Pig hearts thrown into the audience? Check. But then there's a hairless black metal Billy Corgan cutting himself on stage, group vocals, poppy riffs, a bubble machine, and this guy lurking somewhere in the background:

HAIL!

Download

Metallum / Last.fm

Red Dwarf - Between the Wall (1990)

2011-11-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I ran into a post on Epicus Doomicus Metallicus about Red Dwarf's Behind the Wall. The only information offered was that it was trad doom, a "Real underground project from USA" and a tracklist. Fortunately there was a download link. After listening I became intrigued by its music and did a little "research". Red Dwarf is not on Metal Archives, and the only other thing I could find was the whole demo on the youtube, posted by the creator. During the early 90s he made several demos under the title of in his garage.

Musically it's fuzzed out trad doom with low, heavily reverbed out clean vocals of the "wizard" variety. The production is definitely of demo quality, but does not detract from its quality. There is a certain quality of "ritual" to the demo, maybe due to the steady throb of the drums, the drone of the vocals or the production. Bonus points for weird ass acoustic piece "The 9th Key:"

Shame this band get lost the way it did. This band coulda been a major doom game changer in the early 90's if they got more exposure. They totally predated E-Wiz's steez by a couple of years. Forgotten is an understatement.

His wings are of wormwood and of the marrow of salt

AUSSIE METAL

2011-11-25T17:13:00.000-08:00

So once again I'm riding the coattails of someone else's work; this time it's Aegipan and his superb take on Disembowelment's album Transcendence into the Peripheral. Yes, the album rips, yes it's a genre touchstone, yes they're from Australia, etc etc etc wait, hold up, come again, Australia?

Yeah dude AUSTRALIA.

One thing I've always loved about metal is its connection to place. Whether it's this blog, a tet a tet with your bros down the pub, or tracing a genre's roots, the conversation ultimately turns to place eventually. Sure you've got your Swedens, your Finlands, your Norways, but there's a million other places usually left out for one reason or another. Like Australia.

AUSSIE METAL. You've heard of it, you always kinda knew it's a thing, but you never scratched the surface. Every now and again some new album will drop and you'll be banging it out your LeBaron pulling all kinds of girls with it and then you'll find out the band is from Australia. And you think to yourself, "Huh, Australia, well that's odd oh well LOL @ Australia."

LOL INDEED

While Australia has a bumper crop of metal powerhouses, it rarely comes up in conversation as a hotbed of metal inspiration/innovation. Overall trends you find in Aussie metal are good songwriting, bad cover art (see aforementioned dISEMBOWELMENT post), and a rather intense surrealist impulse attributable to the country's overabundance of psilocybe cubensis.

mmmmmmm

Whatever the cause, something's brewing on that giant island in the South Pacific and deep scrutiny is utterly mandatory to your comprehension of metal. I'll take you through some Aussie metal highlights; your homework is to get on metal-archives, filter by country, put on your gum boots, and slog through some of this shit for me. DoomUnicorn can only do so much.

Since I'm piggybacking on Aegipan's Aussie-doom motif, I am compelled to start at Mournful Congregation. Everyone can get behind this band. Mournful Congregation make some of the sickest, most wretched, agonizingly slow, and haunting funeral doom this side of the Murray-Darling basin. They recently released Book of Kings, the band's crowning achievement (which is saying something considering the quality of their body of work) and a release of such monumentally depressing and beautiful proportions that it somehow feels like doom's apogee. As we swing into end-of-year list season, I'm certain Book of Kings will occupy its fair share of 1 and 2 slots. I mean sure, there will be those detractors out there who LIKED THE EARLIER STUFF BRAH but these folks are false. The best elements of Cathedral, Evoken, dISEMBOWELMENT, and even Musk Ox rolled into one. You can't not find something to love on this record. All u haters kill yourself.

Mournful Congregation - Book of Kings

On deck is Destroyer 666, another band with which you're undoubtedly familiar, which crushes all posers with a blackened thrash melange calling to mind Von (only more evil), Beherit (only slightly less evil), and Bathory (about as evil). Crawling from the disbanded detritus of Bestial Warlust, Destroyer 666's finest moment was 1996's Cold Steel...for an Iron Age. You get the phrase "all killer, no filler" in a lot of metal reviews and no where is this truer than in Cold Steel...for an Iron Age. Each track oozes a palpable intensity buttressed by KK Warslut's vocals. (i only wrote that last sentence to have an excuse to type KK Warslut's name, KK Warslut). Truly, this is the sound of extreme metal, with flecks of black, death, and thrash all orbiting around metal's raison detre: songs about satan, war, death, and crucifix rape.

Destroyer 666 - Cold Steel...For an Iron Age

Still not a believer? Shall I go on?

The next logical stop is Urgrund which has connections to, let's see, among others, Destroyer 666, Tzun Tzu and Ignivomous. My head is beginning to hurt. I'm going down a These a Beast-ian 'Six Degrees of' rabbit hole. You can easily identify the Destroyer 666 in Urgrund's sound, perhaps with a bit more control and a flair for the epic. They're like an early, heathen-era Enslaved filtered through a thrashy Australian lens. Tempos rarely notch above 100 BPM or so and the vocals are discernible, revealing a lyrical depth uncharacteristic of the genre. Non-essential but important to understanding the Australian metal ouvre.

Urgrund - The Graven Sign

All right, buckle in. Drowning the Light up next. I had a difficult time picking just one record from their considerable discography but I settled on Of Celtic Blood and Satanic Pride because I think it's fairly emblematic of the overall DTL aesthetic (blown out, raped, vomited, dope sick BM filth). It's clear Azgorh, the band's sole member, was meant to have have been spawned in Norway and not New South Wales from his tense, paranoid, frosty delivery and the rampant Burzumisms. It often sounds like he'd play faster if he could, but he can't, so he doesn't. This is my favorite defining characteristic of DTL. He sounds like he's eternally practicing. The most common DTL complaint is he's a poor-man's Darkthrone/Striborg/what have you and, indeed, it's true somewhat; but, he's enveloped everything in a distinctly Australian sheen that saves it from copycattism. Whereas Burzum is all horns, trees, and mead, DTL is all spiders, sedimentary basins, and Ayahuasca. Does this clarify anything?

Drowning the Light - Of Celtic Blood and Satanic Pride

Bridging the gap between Black and Death is StarGazer (that's a big S little tar big G little azer). StarGazer is Absu minus Proscriptor. It'll do for when your Mom borrowed your Absu tapes but most other times it just leaves you pining for the real thing. They do the whole mindfuck-via-time-signature shifts thing which I personally outgrew after binging on Yes and Nile back in junior high. According to metal-archives, there is notable membership overlap between SarGazer, Portal, Mournful Congregation, and others. Again, non-essential IMO but there are those whose opinions I hold in high regard who would disagree, and they are important to the discussion.

StarGazer - The Scream That Tore the Sky

Now, of course, Portal.

(OK first, when I searched IllCon to make sure no one beat me to the punch on this already-classic, the only search result was this. It would behoove you to go back and read that in its entirely.)

OK, done? Great.

I can't really add anything insightful about this record you haven't read or intuited yourself so I'll just cut to the chase and say THEY'RE FROM AUSTRALIA and LOOK AT THESE DAFT ASSHOLES. no but srs do yourself a favor and cop this if you haven't already and prepare for the aural equivalent of an unanesthetized liver biopsy. But before you dig in, don't let the over-adjectivization (murky, cavernous, frightening, atmospheric, etc. etc.) that surrounds this album fool you: motherfuckers can PLAY. Peep game.

Portal - Outre

We wrap up with Impetuous Ritual, whose 2009 debut Relentless Execution of Ceremonial Excrescence completely flew under my radar. Who let me drop the ball on this one? Why the fvk is it so good you may wonder? Oh that's just cuz it's Portal's ENTIRE rhythm section doing the downtuned DM thang, so this release comes to you immediately authenticated before they even play a note. Ignis Fatuus and Omenous (sic) Fugue nail the disorienting, nauseating DM vibe with generous sludge n' doom intervals for the druggies like you to get off on. This is Portal with the Entombed levels turned up to 11--Portal-lite if you will--combining the oppressive, foggy atmospherics of Portal with slightly more accessible songs. SLIGHTLY.

Impetuous Ritual - Relentless Execution of Ceremonial Excrescence

So that's your Aussie metal snapshot. I'm sure I forgot your favorite band, and you know more than me, and you've got all these on vinyl, so tell me all about it in the comments sweetie.

A FEAST FOR THE SENSES

2011-11-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

Gonna try something new today, so just bear with me.
I know not everyone out there in the Contrap-Nation is podcast-savvy just yet, but if you are, feel free to skip this post altogether. I know a lot of folks will be doing quite a bit of travelling this week, and I figured that rather than poisoning your precious ear canals with a bunch of shitty death metal, I'd instead upload a six-pack of my favorite podcast episodes (in easy-to-use mp3 form), to help you expand your mind and maybe even learn something during this heinous period of mind-numbing airport Hell.
I covered most of my favorite podcasts back here, but I figured one last shove in the right direction couldn't hurt--especially at this crucial time when "tuning out" is absolutely essential.

So here you go: 8 or 9 hours of mind-bending chit-chat, narrowed down from hundreds (if not thousands) of hours that I've endured in the last year or so. No "subscribing", "sync-ing", or "directory searching" necessary--just click the link and enjoy!
If any of these shows peak your interest, make sure you go back and check out my previous podcast post--there's plenty more fun to be had.

First off, I've got 3 full episodes from one of my favorites, the unfortunately-defunct Out There Radio:

- Out There Radio Episode 9: Dropping Acid With The CIA
Good times with MKULTRA and government-sponsored mind control--IllCon approved!
- Out There Radio Episode 40: Those Crazy Occult Nazis
In which our intrepid hosts explore the occult/secret society roots (Thule, anyone?) of the early Nazis.
- Out There Radio Episode 48: The Psychedelic Torchbearers
In-depth study into the lives and philosophies of IC heroes Timothy Leary and Terence McKenna. Guaranteed to blow your fragile little mind.

Then get this:

- The Joe Rogan Experience #125: Giorgio "Ancient Aliens" Tsoukalos
Joe Rogan is a surpisingly intelligent dude, and I'm not sure why it took me so long to subscribe to his podcast--especially considering his fascination with The DMT Elves and stuff... Maybe it's those shitty Fleshlight commercials.
Anyhow, Giorgio Tsoukalos, as you know, is a complete fucking fruit bat, and their 2-and-a-half hour discussion is pretty awesome, starting with specualtion as to whether David Icke is a government disinformation agent and just getting weirder from there (more Joe Rogan Experience HERE).

Then get this:

- The Psychedelic Salon #178: Timothy Leary and Robert Anton Wilson: A Random Walk Through Two Great Minds
Another groovy podcast I discovered only recently, featuring a shit-ton of archival recordings from all your favorites--Leary, McKenna, Wilson, Peter Gormley, etc etc etc... (more Psychedelic Salon HERE)

Then get this:

- Requiem Metal Podcast #105: Death, The Sound of Perseverance
A great show about one of the greatest death metal albums of all time. Mark and Jason always do it up proper.

Here's a couple more shows I've discovered since I last publicly confronted my podcast addiction. All of them highly recommended:

Kissing Contest: Two dudes (and their producer) in Brooklyn, who basically have the opposite tastes in everything, arguing about pop culture and insulting each other. Definitely one of the better "underground" podcasts.
Mysterious Universe: Coast To Coast AM from New Zealand. Cryptozoology, paranormal, occult, etc etc etc...
Stuff You Should Know: Makes you smart.
WNYC's RadioLab: Ditto.
PRI: Science And Creativity: Same here, but in easy-to-digest 10-to-15 minute chunks.
The World And Why: A drunk dude (Dizzo) interviews underground rappers. It's better than it sounds on paper, trust me.
Pool Party Radio: Another, more general, podcast from Parker--one of the three hosts of the excellent Junk Food Dinner. Pointless banter, but often funny and weird.

..... Aaaaaand of course, we can't forget good old Illogical Contraption Radio (see links everywhere), which I'm sure you guys are all caught up on already. Speaking of which, no show this week, as we're all out of town eating delicious turkey breasts. But I'd like to wish everyone out there a happy Indiginous Slaughter Day, and if you're unfortunate enough to live somewhere outside the goddamned U.S. of A... Well, tough shit.

See you guys next week.

Da mystery of Sokushinbutsu

2011-11-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

The Sokushinbutsu were Japanese monks of the Shingon sect who committed suicide in a manner that caused them to become mummified.

The process to almost 9 years and much hardship. The monks that tried this were Shingon Buddhists, a major Japanese sect. It is believed that many hundred of monks tried this but only a few succeeded.

First let's discuss the why. The Sokushinbutsu and other Shingon Buddhists believed that life is an illusion and if you do not break from the illusion you will continue to be reincarnated in it. If you do break from the illusion you will become one with the enlightened being or Buddha. I have been taught that only death is real, different strokes I guess. An important aspect of the Shingon sect is the denial of the importance of their physical selves, often by physical degradation. It is common for Shingon monks to meditate under freezing waterfalls. The Sokushinbutsu achieved this by undergoing the long an difficult suicide process.I'd just shoot myself in the head and have a friend take pictures.
Or at least that's what I can get from reading a couple of websites. There's a lot I don't know about Buddhism, like how can a peaceful religion justify killing the shit out of people with their bare hands, death point strikes and whatnot? I really don't know or care much about any religions, but I hope I didn't offend any Buddhists reading this.

Now for the how. From start to end the entire process of mummification took 3000 days or almost 9 years. It was undertaken by elderly monks near the end of their lives anyways.
For the first 1000 days the monk would only eat nuts and seeds and subject himself to a very strenuous exercise regime. This reduced the monks fat deposits, and fat is easily decomposed.
The next 1000 the monk only ate bark and roots of pine trees. Near the end of this stage he began drinking tea made from the sap of the usrushi tree (Toxicodendron verniciflum), a poisonous sap usually used to lacquer bowls and furniture. The tea would induce vomiting, sweating and urination reducing his body moisture. It also made his body so poisonous that maggots couldn't eat it. By the end of the first 2000 days he had almost no body fat from the exercise and diet, was chronically dehydrated and poisonous from the urushi.
He would then be entombed in an airtight chamber with just enough room for him to sit in the lotus position. There was an airhole and a string tied to a bell outside. Everyday he would ring the bell to tell his crew that he was still alive. When the bell stopped ringing they would seal the airhole, leaving the monk to desiccate for another 1000 days. At the end they would unseal the tomb. Most of the they found a rotted body because of the bacteria that lives inside of humans. But every once in a while the monk would be successful in his mummification. The mummy would then be removed from the tomb and placed on display in the temple and viewed as a Buddha. Those that failed would be admired for their determination and endurance and retombed (dibs on band name).

Unfortunately the Japanese government pussied out and outlawed the practice in the 19th century. While suicide remains legal to this day there, assisted suicide and exhumation are not. There are about 16-24 known Sokushinbutsu in Japan and several can be seen to this day at various temples.

Here is a site with more information about the subject: http://www.sonic.net/~anomaly/japan/dbuddha.htm

All this talk about the far east is getting me even more pumped up for the new DIM MAK

TRIUMVERATE OF EARLY 90'S TEUTONIC GRIND SCHEISSE

2011-11-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

Am I wrong, or does Deutschland lag just a little in the death metal category? I mean sure, they gave us national treasures like Pavor, Defeated Sanity, and Necrophagist (not to mention current tech darlings Obscura), but when compared to their neighbors to the north (that's Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark, for the topographically challenged), Germany pales in comparison. Don't get me wrong here, I know that a shit-ton of great music has come from this country throughout the years--I'm just pointing out that their death metal contributions, quite specifically, might be a bit out of proportion. So what's the deal, Germany? Why are you holding back on the crushing slammz? What gives?
But again, I digress. Today's post offers Germany a fair chance to redeem themselves in the Grinding Death Department, via three albums from two bands, all released in 1991 and 1992. Hail Satan.

First off, we have the only two full-length albums from the terribly-named and awesomely-haircutted LEMMING PROJECT. LP, like their fellow Teutonic shred-wizards Pavor, hailed from North Rhine-Westphalia, and delivered an odd, shambling, semi-repetitive take on chugging DM, replete with cool intros, weird, out-of-nowhere gang shouts, and Tardy-esque vocals (although these guys veer toward thrash where Obituary favored doom). While the drums here are a little sloppy and the "Lemming Project sound" tends to stick in the "mid-tempo" range a little more than I prefer, both 1991's Extinction and 1992's Hate And Despise are both undeniable winners, functioning as solid opening and closing statements for a kick-ass band that disappeared long before its time.
If pressed, I'd say Extinction is the better of these two releases for my money, but both albums contain plenty of thunderous, drunken-brontosaurus diminished-chord march-riffing, and both will serve well as balm for the chafed and brittle Hessian soul. Behold:

EXTINCTION (1991)

Download HERE

HATE AND DESPISE (1992)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Lemming Project Metallum/Last.FM

JUMPIN' JESUS - THE ART OF CRUCIFYING (1991)

Next up, we have the also-unfortunately-named JUMPIN' JESUS, who, like Pavor and Lemming Project, came from North Rhine-Westphalia as well. If you download any of the three albums in this post, I urge you to make it The Art of Crucifying, as I consider this oddball gem to be one of the lost classics of the Early-90's-European-Death-Metal Pantheon. Seriously... If there is a fault somewhere within this album, I have yet to find it--Crucifying is a solid face-melter from start to finish, with just enough curveballs buried deep inside to ensure repeat listenings for nigh unto infinity.
As is always the case, Jumpin' Jesus ceased to be immediately after the release of this album--which begs the question: could it be that perhaps Germany isn't death metal-deficient at all, that maybe they've merely mastered the concept of "quality over quantity" in said genre?

Nah.

Download HERE

Jumpin' Jesus Metallum/Last.FM