Friday, April 30, 2010

In Trance - Which copy do you own?

I guess it's a slow news day around the IC headquaters. So maybe some quick Uli worship is in order.

Did you ever notice that there are two covers for In Trance? Which one do you have?

original cover

notice anything missing?

More importanly, have you seen the original cover for Virgin Killer? I'd post it right now but I'm pretty positive it violates my probation (and sometimes I wonder, "does my PO read my blog?")

Grab a smoking babe, or a babe who smokes, and listen to this while driving down the California coastline in the middle of the night.


I am no doubt going to get shit from the tru-metal snobs, and maybe even from Shelby Cobras himself, for posting Bad Acid Trip's 1999 breakthrough album "For The Weird By The Weird." But I would be lying if I said that this album wasn't totally kicking my ass today. 11 years later this sucker just sounds so good.

Hailing from the suburban wasteland of North Hollywood, CA, this four piece was (is?) equal parts comedy crustcore and circus metal, but mostly BRUTAL GRIND and they were the ONLY good grind band that dared to play living rooms when I was growing up in The Valley. This is their first full length and for cred's sake I am also throwing in their awesome 2003 split ep with Municipal Waste.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

ANNIHILATION TIME - S/T (2002) & II (2005)

By request of !Shako! after Seanford's recent post on MIDNIGHT:

The first two long-players from Oakland's own ANNIHILATION TIME. The conventional wisdom on this band is as follows: They sound like Black Flag crossed with Thin Lizzy. I agree, but I hear the Flag influence much more distinctly (especially on these two albums). And really, is sounding like Black Flag really that heinous of an offense? I mean, Bl'ast has been doing it since '82 (an idea that Annihilation Time seems to reference on the final song of their second album, "Bl'ast Off").

These denim-clad Bros are unashamed of their influences -- shit, their guitarist even rocks the same model Lucite guitar Greg Ginn played back in the day (see below). They even put out a 7" single in '03 titled Bad Reputation, which featured as its centerpiece their own faithful rendition of this Thin Lizzy classic. Hey, there are worse bands to worship. I find absolutely nothing wrong with Annihilation Time's honest-to-gosh homage-via-mimicry. They always put on a fun, ass-kicking show, and their records are consistenly awesome.
Crack a beer, pull a couple tubes, and check out these two face-melting, 100% Bro-approved albums. Super gnar.

(Side note: The first album is the only A.T. release to feature original vocalist Fred Hammer, who was replaced by Jimmy Rose after their first U.S. tour. So there's that.)

(top left) Annihilation Time (2002)

(bottom right) II (2005)

Myspace / Last.FM

Olympia, Washington - Part 2 (or is it 3?)

So a little while back Shelby introduced the IC readership to the fertile music scene of Olympia Washington (otherwise known as Santa Cruz North). A quiet NW town with an unreasonable amount of incredible bands. He first told you about pioneering noise artists Bedhead the Prophet (No Lord Shall Live) and expounded further by bringing you some fresh Karp. Actually, didn’t he also give you guys the Wolves in the Throne Room demo?

Although you might have your fill of Oly-metal right there, I have two hard-ons for this town, and I’m going take you a little deeper: Oly-metal round 2.

a basement is the preferred venue for any respectable oly-metal band

Lets go back to Deadhead the Profit. As mentioned in Shelby’s Karp post, Deadhead had a dude in it named Quitty, who with Jared from Karp (and later Big Business), formed Tight Bros From Way Back When. First off, that leaves out Dave. Another dude who was both in Deadhead AND Tight Bros and happens to be one of my favorite dudes of all time. But as far as I know we haven’t had any Tight Bro’s albums on here yet have we? Problem corrected.

notorious for making metal heads dance

So Jared went on to form the Biz. You may or may not like the Biz, I don’t really care. Jared’s an amazing singer, Cody shreds the drums, that’s all I ask. They'll have to fight Black Cobra for the title of best two piece since Atilla but 2 piece shreddery is another post all together. Their tour EPs are all excellent and their first two records are top notch. Truthfully, I’m not a fan of their new record, but whatever. Still a really rad band. Go here to keep an eye on their tour dates. Here is their first record (which I suspect I will be asked to take down - so buy it here).

Okay, done and done. So what happened to Dave and Quitty? Great question. They went on to form Nudity. Tripped out heavy jams, eternally surfing the cosmic winds. These guys are excellent. Their record is available on vinyl only with each cover beautifully hand silkscreened by Dave himself. Side one is the Olympia mix, side two is the Tim Green mix. You know Tim Green (but more on him in a future post). This album is extremely rare, and tragically, it is not available for download. Makes you want it pretty bad, huh? You'll have to get from them in person, this summer. Check their myspace next month when they post their tour dates (I wouldn't miss it).

you can't fuck with dave, he's an artist

Okay, we got the Nude dudes, where do we go from here? Let’s talk more about Dave. He happens to have a wonderful partner, a brutal face smashing wailer named Christine who fronted the awesome NW metal juggernaut Buried Blood. Anyone heard Buried Blood? They're not around anymore but chances are if you toured the NW in the last 5 years they were the best band you got to play with. They only released one EP, which I once scored a copy of after a show, but MY FUCKING VAN ATE IT. Dude, where the hell is that thing? If anyone has a copy of the Buried Blood EP or knows where it’s up for download, please, let us all know. You'll have to head over to their myspace to hear some songs, I'm jamming them right now (fully erect).


Now, what if this rad she-wailer found some dudes who played in a great crossover thrash band and started a new classic metal/NWOBHM band with those guys? That would be tru Oly-Metal. But first she needs to find said rad thrash band. Like, the dudes from FUNEROT, a band I’ve always thought IC would fall madly in love with. Lets see, robots, death, outer space, eating pizza, zombies, ect ect. This is youthful, good time thrash that I really think fits perfectly into the IC mission statement. INVASION FROM THE DEATH DIMENSION!

largest image i could find, sorry man

Also, (side note) these dudes have a brand new record which just came out and I'm dyign to get a copy of it. Anyone heard it? It's called And Then You Fucking Die, Man. It looks good. Somebody buy it.

Okay, so where are we now? The wailing female singer of Buried Blood hooked up with the young punks of Funerot to start an incredible traditional metal band called Christian Mistress. Now we get to the point of this whole post (finally). CHRISTIAN FUCKING MISTRESS. No myspace, no twitter account, just tape trading. My buddy Rubin plays drums in this band and he sent me this tape in the mail 2 years ago. It warms my heart every time I put it on, I cant even tell you.

You can get two songs off the tape EP right here.. They have a new 7” out right now (tapes are all gone, sorry). But you have to order one straight from their label. More information here. If you don’t order a 7” right now, you will be truly bummed. These guys are hitting the road this summer, catch them at the Hemlock in SF on June 19th. Other dates will probably be put up on the label website but youre going ot have to check back later on. Christian Mistress doesnt care if you go or not so they're not going to start a facebook event. But I'm your bro, and I would highly recomend you seek out Christian Misstress this summer.

Oh, one last thing. All 4 dudes in Christian Mistress run a legendary pizza shop in Olympia called Old School Pizza. Check out this epic mural they have on the side of the building. Best place in town to play a show, seriously.

Kung Food, dude

Olympia, its the water.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


File under: Awesome detritus from Steven's South-centric Bromantic Interlude published two days ago.

In fact, F.U.C.T. (see Part 1, song 3) was the impetus behind said post, as it was Steven's surrender of this album (via email) that prompted the request for that compilation in the first place. F.U.C.T. (Forever Ungratical Corinaric Technikilation) began in Nashville, Tennessee (I think) in the mid-80's, releasing a couple demos in the latter part of that decade before the epic Dimensional Depth Perception dropped in 1990. There are only a few things you need to know about F.U.C.T.:
A) They looked rad (see example).
B) They sounded a lot like The Accüsed, only dirtier, deathier, sludgier, and weirder.
C) They disbanded shortly after the release of this album, due to mysterious consequences involving death and prison. See also Mayhem, see also Texas' Show Me On The Doll (a shiny nickel for anyone who can remember the last time they were featured on IC - WITHOUT using the search window).
D) F.U.C.T. re-united in 2007.

This album kicks all kinds of ass, and I was even kind enough to include their semi-self-titled 1989 demo Forever Ungratical Corinaric Technikilation in here as well. Wow! Neat!
Another big thanks to Brother Steven for volunteering these goodies in the first place. You rule.

Download HERE


Tuesday, April 27, 2010


In which the IllCon Team presents empirical evidence AGAINST human evolution in support of the Creationist beliefs of their corporate masters...



(as quoted from this:) " October 1967, famous Yippie leader Abbie Hoffman organized a human chain around the Pentagon building in Washington DC. A large group of 50,000 hippies, radicals and self-proclaimed freaks gathered at the Pentagon, to form a human circle. In the words of Hoffman, a pentagon was an occult sign, that could only be neutralized by a circle. The goal of this ‘Exorcism of the Pentagon’ was the levitation of the building through combined psychic energy."



EXHIBIT B1: WASHINGTON D.C., circa late 1700's

EXHIBIT B2: LADY GAGA, circa late 2009

They used to pay obeisance to the Dark One with a hint of class. Not so today. While some might claim that Lady G is an Illuminati Puppet, IC has the real 411:


Shame shame shame.



In 1942, even horrible, disfiguring miscalculations in quantum mechanics resulted in pretty cool stories.

EXHIBIT C2: The DigiScent iSmell (2001)

There will never, EVER, be a way to rationalize this and/or make it OK.



EXHIBIT D2: ICP - 2010

(thanks Asa)




Can you tame this Tiger?

Tiger B. Smith - Tiger Rock 1972
I think not!!!

You gotta hand it to the Germans. They invented saurkraut AND knew how to rock. Tiger B. Smith has been categorized as many genres: Kraut, Glam, Psych, Blues, Pop, Prog, 70's Hard Rock (duh), Funk/Groove etc. I just categorize it as LASAGNA. (You know, Brutal Noodles, SHREDded Cheese, with a side of Gnarlic Bread- Thanks Shelbro and Sean for being so fucking witty). Besides being a virtual "lasagna" of epic goodness, lead singer/guitarist Holger Schmidt's white boy fro is AMAZING. He has some serious style going on. The first song on the first Tiger B. Smith album is aptly titled "Tiger Rock" and starts off with a tiger roaring. How cool is that? THEN, after an opening guitar hook, they blast off into a super fuzzed out heavy bass driven/pounding drum/incredibly rad vocal explosion that seriously MOVES you. "To Hell" is my other fave on this album, super stony 9 minute psych. But seriously. The bass fuzz. It jams the clam, man. I had a fuzz pedal custom made just to replicate this sound. But alas, no psych band! Anyone? I digress...

Download Here

The next and last album they did was We're the Tiger Bunch. Not nearly good enough to post so I skipped over it, but here's a video just so you can behold the mighty fro.

Next is Second Life. This was pre-Tiger, 1971. Same dudes just changed their name a year later; hey it happens. This album is pretty rare, more prog-heavy with an opening self titled 20 minute opus that goes from acoustic floating parts to some wailing guitar solo and then an impending doom drum solo. I suggest taking a giant rip off the ol' bong before putting this one on. You know, if that's "your thing".

Download Here

Monday, April 26, 2010


Word just hit the IllCon newswire about the passing of organ/synth pioneer Bo Hansson. Here is his 1972 classic Lord Of The Rings. Filled with spooky Hammond leads and funky atmospheric prog riffage, this one is an essential addition to any true fan of the real shit. Download link below.

BROMANTIC INTERLUDE #11: Fuck Y'All, Steven's From Alabama

Steven (or Bro Incarnate, as we call him around ICHQ) has been a constant presence in the pantheon of Illogical Gods since (almost) Day One, and should not be a stranger to anyone who reads the occasional Comments Section around these parts. Along with being the former bass player (and also alerting us to the existence) of the fantastic Hematovore, Steven has clued us in to several buried musical gems in the past, and his input is always insightful and mind-expanding. He's also a pretty snappy dresser, as evidenced by the actual picture* of him shown at right.
But knowledge, talent, allegiance, and a dose of mystic wisdom are not ALL that this man has to offer. Although he now resides in Korea, Steven spent most of his life in Alabama, and resultingly possesses a large library of underground music from that particular region -- "Southern punk rock and metal that doesn't sound like Alabama Thunderpussy", as he himself so eloquently put it. While he has repeatedly refused my offers of full-time work here at IC, today we are lucky enough to have Steven by for a quick post, at least, showcasing the highlights of said library. Dig in.

*This in not an actual picture of Steven.

- Cobras

Hello. My name is Steven, "Steve" to my mom. I've been following and thoroughly enjoying Illogical Contraption for over a year now. I've shared a few albums with Mr. Cobras and Seanford, made a few comments here and there, and now I've been invited to whip up my very own post. [Squeal!] I don't much care for writing more than a few sentences at a time, but my love of music can override this (I used to write music reviews for a local interest magazine back in the day).

Outside of Man or Astroman?, Sun Ra, and, um, TrustCompany (who slavishly honed their act, went on self-financed van tours for years, and played exactly the kind of music they wanted to), y'all're probably unaware of Alabama's rich history of underground music. That's where I come in.

I lived in Auburn, Alabama for 21 years, most of my adult life. I played bass and/or guitar in several highly unsuccessful (yet totally honest) bands, became friends with many more bands, and bore witness to still more (including the infamous Hickey performing nude at an impossibly sweltering house show one July many years ago with local freaks Sham-Poo-Poo). My roommate (Clay) and I hosted house shows for about 6 years, and along with several other willing accomplices about town, we kept a small but thriving, established underground scene afloat through the end of the '90's. There were pretty good scenes developed in most of the major cities around the state, and we mostly did our best to promote each other. Well, starting in around '98, the city started to crack down on the scene. The Fuzz routinely invited themselves to shows, and Auburn's house show culture was snuffed out. Many of the bands faded away, but several soldiered on. The future is in doubt, as most of the folks making music now have been the same ones doing it for years and years. I was seeing fewer and fewer young bands before I moved away.

Some people, however, refuse to surrender. Consider these two cases...

Formed from the ashes of Supreme Dispassion (THE most brazenly blasphemous musical group I have ever seen), Roman Gabriel Todd's Beast Rising Up Out of the Sea is probably the second most blasphemous musical group I have ever seen. Benny is a punk rock Billy Cobham, Roman (Gabe to his mom) is intensity incarnate. Observe...

And here's Montgomery's own Gezoleen with a curious little conceptual piece...

I have prepared two sprawling, yet incomplete, compilations attempting to document the underground music scene in our fine state over the last 20 years. There are plenty of important bands (Loppybogymi [RIP], GNP [RIP?], the Vomit Spots [RIP], Obliviaxe [RIP], the afore-mentioned Roman Gabriel Todd's Beast Rising Up Out of the Sea, Liquid Brick, Pferd, Decatur! [RIP], Antlings [RIP], Oil [RIP], Vacation Bible School [RIP], Crashing Falcon, the Wednesdays, the Quadrajets [RIP], Daikaiju, and others whose names I can't even remember) not featured here for reasons beyond my control. But you may still find something to your liking. As we Alabama folk are a generous and tolerant people (and I wanted to fill in the gaps), I've included a few bands that hail/hailed from Tennessee, Georgia, Mississippi, and Louisiana that properly represent the modern South. No, Florida is NOT the South. Apologies.

I won't delve into all the interconnections and shared members here, or this post would be longer than Napalm Death's thanks list in "Harmony Corruption." Suffice to say we have no problem with musical inbreeding.

But for the curious, I have included extensive liner notes, including MySpace links and whatnot, inside the comps. Just drop the files into a playlist for optimum performance.




Sunday, April 25, 2010


Widely known fact: Japan does everything better. EVERYTHING. Especially BROOTAL FUCKING SLAMMZ. Here are two albums to prove it, bookending an entire decade of slam metal domination...


Anyone else find it ironic that the best goddamn New York-style death metal ever recorded came out of Tokyo? Supreme Entity will mosh your fucking balls off, despite the fact that their "drummer" is credited with playing "triggers and cymbals", rather than "drums" (WTF?). Gravity blasts, caveman breakdowns, gurgling vocals, wallet chains, hoodies, and beanies. Total puking violent Neanderthal DEATH. Superb.

Download HERE

(Left to right: Can't Read It, Can't Read It, Decrepit Birth?, Decrepit Birth)


Nine years later, you still can't stop the MOSH. Slower and simpler than Vomit Remnants -- Think Niigata City Wigger Slam as opposed to Tokyo NYDM. Allow Gorevent themselves to explain:

"Gokucho and Sonobe (ex-REST IN GORE) started a deathmetal unit with Kasahara BRUTAL in Niigata City at the end of the year 2004, it was the very beginning of GOREVENT. Abe joined the band in 2005 as the first permanent drummer, then GOREVENT got started sick'n brutal activity. The beginning of the year 2006, Takashi (a.k.a.ILLEGAL ABORTION -Vo.&B.) joined the band as a second vokill vomitter. In the fall of the year, Abe left the band, Moriyama (ex-TESTICLES VIRUS) joined us as a replacement drummer. In the middle of February, 2007, Gokucho switched his equipment from a vokill to an axe so as to develop the whole sound ever more brutal."

Download HERE

(Left to right: Devourment, Devourment, Cephalotripsy, Morbid Angel, Can't Read It)

Friday, April 23, 2010


My old pal Jeremy hooked me up with this album about a decade ago, and it has remained in solid rotation ever since. A nice fat slab of death-y goodness is what we have here, a wall of continuous blastbeats flavored with tasty, slightly blackened, whole-chord tremolo riffs and then shoved right down your fucking throat without pomp or ceremony. Big, ugly, and fast. Quite simple, really.
Alas, there isn't much I can tell you about Scythe. They were from Southern California, and drum duties were held down by Brad Palmer, fresh off of tracking drums on Deeds of Flesh's Inbreeding the Anthropophagi. But that's where the trail goes cold. This was their only album, and fits nicely alongside other late 90's SoCal tech-death stuff like Deprecated, Disgorge, and the aforementioned Deeds. Nothing that's going to revolutionize your perception of death metal if you aren't already a fan, but a nifty addition if you are.

Download HERE


Anyone who has ever experienced Suffocation in a live setting now lives in constant fear of the Frank Mullen Blastbeat Speed-Chop.

Not that it's any sort of profound revelation or anything, but I really loves me some Suffocation. There are few bands with such a distinct and long-lasting influence on the world of death metal (Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse come to mind), and, in my opinion, Suffocation has never released a bad album. They're rock fucking solid, always dependable to put on a face-melting show and write really cool songs. Shit, they even have a specific type of blastbeat named after them (the "Suffo-" or "Smith-blast", you fucking poser). How many blastbeats are named after your band, pussy? None. That's how many.
It takes some real vision and endurance to put out an album as kick-ass as 2009's Blood Oath (right) two decades into your career. Seriously, it rips. It might not be quite as br00tal as Effigy of the Forgotten or as malicious as Breeding The Spawn, but it's still a formidable release for any DM band in this day and age - a twisted, lurching monolith of a record eons better than 99% of the other tech-metal effluvium saturating the market. Not bad for a band that "broke up" in 1998.

Left: Attack Attack! and Trujillo got nothing on Suffo's Derek Boyer.

Suffo live is truly a spectacle -- thanks, in no small part, to the unwitting Jersey-meathead likability of frontman Frank Mullen. Frank is a Bro's Bro, and when he claims onstage that "all you sick fuckahs are like family ta us", it's obviously true. Homeboy is having a blast (no pun intended) up there dishing out tales of murder and inversion of the church over squealing guitars and crushing slammz, no doubt about it.
But simple hero-worship never stopped anyone here at IllCon from revealing the truth. And I've got a big, fat, stinky load of truth to dump on your collective head today.
Ladies and gentlemen, as much as it pains me to say it and as much as I genuinely like the guy, I must point out the painful truth: FRANK MULLEN IS SUPER EMO.

The other members of Suffocation do not approve of Frank's new haircut (especially Derek).

I first noticed the change right around the release of their "comeback" album, 2004's Souls To Deny. Now, from what I understand, Frank The Tank went through a particularly painful breakup around this time, but Suffocation just isn't meant to be Breakup Metal. It doesn't fit.
Souls is EMO AS FUCK right off the bat, beginning with the first track, "Deceit". Go ahead, read these lyrics and tell me how they're any different from the angst-poetry you would find inside the diaries of most fifteen-year-old goth brats:

"For many years I put my trust in you
Perceiving the vows I took that were true
Only to learn all had been lost to you

To search for meanings not truly there
Answers to questions only bring despair
Distractions down the path of our lives


Was there a point to nine years we had
Selfish thoughts leave you undesireable
Part of me was severed that very day

In the wake of confusion I search, looking
For the answers to questions only reveal...

The song then crescendoes into "To Weep Once More", whose first line, "Sorrow fills my weeping eyes..." bodes even worse for things to come.

Dude, Frank. Chill out. Your mascara is running.

Frank Mullen wears lensless glasses and recites love poetry at concerts.

Things got even worse on Suffocation's next album, a self-titled affair released in '06. To wit:

(from "Translucent Patterns Of Delirium")

"Why am I here?
What did you say? Stop talking to me
Once I was told therefore I am not
My father once told me to shut up, shut up

Is this where I came from?
Do I know you? Is this real or not?
Where do I belong?
As I was correcting my head I feel ill

Hurts to comprehend
My translucent patterns of delirium
Shut up, shut up you

The pieces no longer fit the puzzle
My glue will no longer hold me
Is this all in my head? Or is that you talking to me?
Who goes there? and why have you come?

Leave me be, lock the door behind you
Let go of my head
I seem to have misplaced myself
Can you help me find my way?"

(from "Misconceived")

"Everything you thought or were led to believe was a misconception
This unsafe approach at life has killed all hope within.
Worthless attempts of achieving happiness
Disgusted, mistrusted, betrayed and persuaded
Reveling such feelings, mistakes of disgrace
The shock and disbelief of reality SETS IN
The weight of the world CRUSHES
These pains within are intolerable
Changes are of utmost importance.
Intolerable ways of living brought on by oneself.
Waiting to be let down,
Depression, remove for all negative surroundings
False perceptions broken dreams
Living this unhappy life is not worth living...

What gives, man?

Frank Mullen talks about his feelings with the Suffo-Bros over shots of Jager and delicious appetizers.

Blood Oath, even being the solid album that it is, still suffers from Mullen's emo stylings. Take, for instance, Oath's second track, "Dismal Dream":

"What have I done
to deserve all of this?
In the blink of an eye
all things have changed
and how will I make it through all this?
This nightmare
that I cannot wake from.

My dismal dream
I live and breathe
I realize
I cannot leave...

Yikes. Put down the razor, buddy. "Dismal Dream" is followed by "Pray For Forgiveness", which gives us even more of Frank's cry-for-help poetry.

"To pray for forgiveness
what have I done?
No one seems to care
ask for guidance
but it falls on deaf ears
if there's is one who will hear me
how does he not answer?

Somebody call the Suicide Hotline! I haven't heard anything so soul-crushingly emo since sophomore year drama class! Dang!

Frank Mullen has raccoon hair and takes Myspace-angle pictures of himself on an iPhone.

Am I the only one that has noticed this disturbing tendency toward emo-ism? Or am I just looking too closely? I leave you today with Frank's heartfelt musings from "Subconsciously Enslaved":

"Is it me? Am I alone?
Is it me? Am I alone?

(sob, sob, whimper, sob...)

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I'll tell you what, gang: Illogical Contraption might not have the biggest readership on the internet, but I'll be Goddamned if our readers aren't the best. Really. I mean it. (hold for applause.)

Following a recent post introducing the genre of Narration Metal ("NARRATION METAL", April 10, 2010), several IC faithful contributed their own nominations for inclusion in said category, and they were indeed some tasty morsels. In addition to the not-very-metal-but-still-awesome space-disco prog-opera Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of The Worlds (which I located, consumed, digested, and shat out HERE), an eclectic and varied mix of story-driven metal bands were suggested -- some brutal, some corny -- all of them totally worthwhile. So Round 2 begins today, as we are introduced to four more Narration Metal pioneers -- all of them destined to stand proudly next to their brothers in the genre (Slough Feg, Inquisition, Rhapsody of Fire, Bal-Sagoth, and NarMetal Master Christopher Lee, to name a few). Read on...

The first contender for Narration Metal greatness on today's list is Southern California's MORGION, as suggested by Illogical Mega-Bro cdg (check out his freshly-birthed music blog Data Control HERE.)

As cdg pointed out in his comment on the last post, the only Morgion release to really properly fall into the 'Narration Metal' category was 1999's Solinari, which I have been kind enough to upload for you all HERE. It's a creepy, doomy, atmospheric, and (almost) goth-y (GASP!) affair, not the sort of thing I'm usually into but I'll be damned if Morgion doesn't like narrating a story or two. Additionally, cdg was instrumental in the establishment of the last IllCon-defined genre, RENROCK. Hence, all of his recommendations are GOLD to me (Fairy Fests be damned). I thank you sir.

Next up we have Japan's Dragon Guardian, championed by Thulsa Mood creator and IC guest blogger BradethQ. If you're into shit like PowerQuest, cosplay, anime, Helloween, Visual Kei, tentacle porn, or Taco Gaywolf, you will most likely pop a shameful boner for Dragon Guardian. From what little I understand about this very Japanese band, it is a one-man project, constructed by a dude named Arthur Brave (勇者アーサー). Mr. Brave proudly refers to the band as "fantasy metal", but it actually gets sort of tough at times. Like, there are blastbeats and shit. I don't know. Download 2008's Harukanaru Chigiri (above right) and tell me what YOU think.

I agree with BradethQ's description: "It's cheesy power metal that sounds like about what you'd expect given their name but with a lady handling a good chunk of the vocals and a dude doing some ridiculous dramatic narration throughout. Everything's in Japanese, but you should still get a kick out of it."

Thoroughly confusing stuff. Thanks, Bradeth.

Blood of Kingu was a recommendation from Brother Peter. Apparently the one-man side project of a dude from Drudkh, Kingu comes from the same so-evil-I-can't-be-bothered-to-actually-perform-the-act-that-mere-mortals-refer-to-as-"singing" school as the ass-kicking INQUISITION. Hailing from the Ukraine, BoK is (according to Last.FM) "...highly influenced by Sumerian, ancient Egyptian and Indo-Aryan mythology and history." But you would never know from the nearly inaudible, monotone croaking beneath their blasting, cacophonous onslaught. Some of the other guys from Drudkh play on Kingu's albums as well, which makes me wonder how they balance the Mesopotamian/North African focus of Kingu's imagery with the purported nationalism espoused by Drudkh. Whatever. This is evil and infused with massive amounts of mythology and weirdness. 2007: De Occulta Philosophia (I think it translates to something like Pink Bunnies In Space). Get it.

After experiencing something as cryptic and evil as Blood of Kingu, it's probably best to cool down with some good, old-fashioned Christian rock. But not just any old Christian rock. I'm talking about "CHRISTIAN MELODIC EPIC RENAISSANCE MEDIEVAL APOCALYPTIC METAL", the kind played by William J. Tsamis (right) in his mostly one-man mid-90's project Lordian Guard. Wait a minute... Casio drumbeats? Corny solos? Disneyesque female vocals? Atmospheric keyboards? This is somehow everything bad about metal in general and everything good about Narration Metal all in the same place, at the same time! This is like Oxiplegatz, but with angels instead of aliens! This is terrible! This is amazing!

Who can I blame for bringing this to my attention?
Oh yes, HELM. Of course. It all makes sense now.

Did I mention that I'm a really nice guy? Because I am. I've chosen to share my Christian joy with all of you, via the awesomely-named Lordian Guard. That's right, today I present their ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY: The self-titled 1995 debut (above) AND 1996's follow-up album Sinners In The Hands of An Angry God (left). Jesus Fucking Christ.

Really. You guys rule. Thanks again for the suggestions.