ON THE ROAD AGAIN

So after 6 years or so without touring, I'm finally hittin' the highways again, this time for a short Northwest tour with the Saurian Jihad known as Cretaceous. The first show will either be in Eugene or Medford, Oregon, on Wednesday, April 15th (not confirmed yet, obviously), with the shows listed below following:


Bloodhag and Sindios! Fuck yeah!!! (It's in Seattle, PS.)

Then, on to Portland on Friday the 17th, to play a place called The Orphanage (I think it's some kind of punkhouse party) with The Hedonist and Diesto (Fuck yeah again!).

Saturday the 18th, onward to my homeland, Humboldt County, where we will be playing with Thirtythreeandathird at The Alibi in Arcata.

If you reside in any of these cities, please feel free to come out and buy Cretaceous a fucking beer. Or just stay home, download our demo, and kill your family. Either way.


Above: Vanimal (aka Vanowar) prepares for a bloody assault on the hoary lands to the North.

PUNGENT STENCH - BEEN CAUGHT BUTTERING (1991)

A classic slab of sludgy grind from early 90's poineers Pungent Stench. Though they tend to get a bit goofy at times, song titles like "Splatterday Night Fever" and "Happy Re-Birth Day" let you know that these Austrian freaks have their hearts in the right place. And the cover art, well... It is what it is.
In addition, the uber-Metal drummer from my old band had a Pungent Stench sticker on his old set (along with a rack of rototoms, NICE!). So their street cred is without question. In my opinion, these guys bridge the gap between sloppy, early Death Metal and modern Goregrind nicely, sort of like the evolutionary link between Impetigo and Blood Duster. Check 'em out.

Download HERE

THE WIZARD OF SUPER-EGO

In which episodes of "The Wizard of Id" are re-written to tell an ongoing tale of violence and intrigue against the backdrop of a brutal medieval monarchy.









Stay tuned for more of the King's bloody trials, coming soon...

WITCHFINDER GENERAL - DEATH PENALTY (1982)

Witchfinder General was way ahead of their time. And by "way ahead of their time" I mean they were ripping off Sabbath at least 10-15 years before it was COOL to rip off Sabbath.
Seriously, though. This album FUCKING KILLS.

Download HERE

ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION GOES CORPORATE

In our never-ending quest to bring you the finest in multimedia entertainment, we here at Illogical Contraption have decided to buckle down and sign on with a corporate sponsor to procure sufficient funding. We welcome our new sponsor with open arms, and look forward to a long and fruitful business partnership. Ladies and genteleman, meet Certified Realtor Skimmy Jabrone!



Skimmy has been in the realty business for years, and I actually purchased a six-square-foot plot of land on Turk and Taylor from him personally earlier this year. It has already appreciated in value by 43%!

Please take a moment to view a property that Skimmy sold to notorious hustler Mac C tha Pimp (as featured on MTV's "Crackhead Cribs"):


Totally unrelated here, but have you ever noticed how crackheads sometimes get really AWESOME tattoos?

SHITTY ALBUM COVERS, VOL. 8

3 INCHES OF BLOOD - BATTLECRY UNDER A WINTER SUN (2002)

Some people talk shit on 3 Inches of Blood, accusing them of being "posers" or "false metal". These people are fools. 3IOB kicked the ever-loving shit out of me live, and as far as I'm concerned their dedication to The Metal is un-fuckwithable. You really can't argue with songs like "Balls of Ice" and "Destroy The Orcs". You just can't.

Download HERE

SATURDAY MORNING DOUBLE FEATURE: HALLOWEEN IN MARCH!

JOHN CARPENTER - HALLOWEEN SOUNDTRACK (1978)



John Carpenter once again proves himself not only a master filmmaker but also pretty goddamn handy with a synthesizer and mixing board. Creepy, creepy jams, interspersed with dialogue and sound effects from the film. GET THIS.

Download HERE


JOHN CARPENTER & ALAN HOWARTH - HALLOWEEN II SOUNDTRACK (1981)



More of the same, only MORE SO.

Download HERE

Edmund Welles

By Peter

Most of you know Apocalyptica.


For those who dont, they are a cello quartet who made a name for themselves by covering established metal bands such as Metallica.

Id like to bring your attention to a related (but in my opinion much cooler) group, Edmund Welles.

Edmund Welles is a bass clarinet quartet made up of some fellow bay area metal heads. They have collaborated with blog favorite Sleepytime Gorilla Museum as well as several others. These guys write original music which draws from avant-jazz, new music (contemporary classical), etc. as well as metal. They do some covers, but are a bit more eclectic then Apocalyptica. Everything Ive heard from them is kick ass but unfortunately I haven't got my hands on a full album yet. I hope to this weekend when they play at Switchboard Fest. If I get one Ill post it here but in the mean time there are a few songs available to stream or download on their website (click their name above). Make sure to check out the song Tooth and Blood.
Heres a video from last years Bang on a Can festival in San Francisco...

Also, check them out on Sunday at Switchboard Festival. They're playing at 5:30pm and its at 3316 Mission (at 24th).

BISON (B.C.) - EARTHBOUND (2007)

Bison (also known as Bison B.C.) play that BIG, THICK, SLUDGY METAL that all the Stoner Rock kids seem to be into these days. Their songs, which are packed with the maximum amount of possible riffification, carry the weight and girth of, well, a full-grown buffalo. Bringing to mind like-minded offerings from such newbies as Red Fang, Big Business, and Torche, Earthbound is their debut album, which they followed up with last year's Quiet Earth. Blaze up some stinky nugs and take this bad boy for a spin.

Download HERE

DREAM TEAMS

No, I'm not referring to the 1989 comedy The Dream Team, starring Michael Keaton and Christopher Lloyd. I'm referring to the idea of the Rock and Roll "supergroup", or, more specifically, the Heavy Metal Supergroup. Since I'm a nerd, and also because I have a tendency to daydream a little bit, I put together my own top 5 list of imaginary Metal supergroups, representing several different genres and some of those most talented musicians in the game. Anyone, living or dead, from any era, is eligible. All names are linked to an audio or video sample of some of their finest work. Maybe you think this is a waste of time. Well, some dudes play "fantasy football". I play fantasy METAL. Fuck you.


1) THRASH METAL SUPERGROUP:

We'll start with the thrashers. Shredding guitarists are a must here, so I've chosen Watchtower-era Ron Jarzombek for composition and Bonded By Blood-era Gary Holt for insane soloing. With all that six-string chaos going on, the band will need a super-solid rhythm section. I think Rain In Blood-era Dave Lombardo and Kill 'Em All-era Cliff Burton should do the trick. Vocals? Blaine from The Accused. Duh. Oh yeah, they're called "Tainted Pacification".













TAINTED PACIFICATION - Clockwise from top left: Blaine Cook, vocals, Ron Jarzombek, rhythm guitar, Gary Holt, lead guitar, Dave Lombardo, drums, and Cliff Burton, bass.

Below: Typical crowd for a Tainted Pacification concert.




2) PROGRESSIVE/SHRED METAL SUPERGROUP:

For some serious wanksmanship, my geek-lord prog/shred supergroup ("Neptune's Trident") would have to feature both Nitro-era Michael Angelo Batio AND The Great Kat (any era). Death/Atheist-era Steve DiGiorgio rocks the bass, while Rob Halford circa 1978 (click this link, seriously) provides the vocal acrobatics. I guess we need a drummer too, right? I don't know, the guy from DragonForce or something? A progressive Metal band always needs an uncredited keyboard player, too, so I would also sneak in the guy from Dream Theater. But he would have to play a KEYTAR.














NEPTUNE'S TRIDENT - Clockwise from top left: Rob Halford, vocals, Michael Angelo Batio, lead and rhythm guitar, The Great Kat, lead guitar, rhythm guitar, and violin, Dave Mackintosh, drums, and Steve DiGiorgio, bass.

Below: At certain times, Batio will play rhythm with his left hand and lead with his right, while The Great Kat shreds her violin (pictured).




3) STONY 70'S METAL SUPERGROUP

If it's a 70's Metal band, it's gotta be a power trio. John Garner from Sir Lord Baltimore would anchor the unit on skins AND vocals, with late-Deep Purple/early-Rainbow Ritchie Blackmore (wearing the witch hat) on guitar and the mighty Geezer Butler rounding things out on bass. They're called "Pegasus".




PEGASUS - From left: John Garner, drums and vocals, Geezer Butler, bass, and Richie Blackmore, guitar.

Below: Pegasus fan base.




4) DEATH METAL SUPERGROUP

"Gorgamortis" will rip your face off and then shit it down your throat. Led by Extreme Conditions-era Kevin Sharp and featuring alternating lead and rhythm guitar work by Necrophagist's Mohammed Suicmez and Death's Chuck Schuldiner, you really can't go wrong. Throw in Cannibal Corpse/Blotted Science's Alex Webster on bass and the best goddamn Death Metal drummer ever, Terrorizer/Morbid Angel's Pete "Commando" Sandoval on the skins, and you've a recipe for some brutal fucking SHRED.














GORGAMORTIS - Clockwise from left: Kevin Sharp, vocals, Chuck Schuldiner, lead and rhythm guitar, "Commando" Sandoval, drums, Alex Webster, bass, and Mohammed Suicmez, lead and rhythm guitar.

Below: Typical Gorgamortis mosh pit.




5) DEATH METAL SUPERGROUP PART 2

You guys know I couldn't leave it to just one Death Metal supergroup. Here's the second, "Grief Counselor", with (pre-emo-haircut) Barney Greenway on vocals, Obscura-era Luc LeMay on rhythm guitar and Cryptopsy's Eric Langlois on bass (Blasphemy Made Flesh and None So Vile-era only, please). And of course we need Gene Hoglan from (insert the name of every awesome Metal band ever) on drums.
You guys thought I forgot Trey! HA! No way! Lead guitar, motherfuckers!













GRIEF COUNSELOR - Clockwise from left: Barney Greenway, vocals, Gene Hoglan, drums, Trey Azagthoth, lead guitar, Luc LeMay, rhythm guitar, and Eric Langlois, bass.

Below: Trey is one seriously awesome bro.



Feel free to add your own Metal supergroups in the 'Comments' section.
BRUTAL.